I Won't Go Back - Only Forward

 

The family reunion was held in the same small town where my wife and my two children lived thirty years ago.  

One of the things that my kids wanted to do while we were there was to drive by the house that we lived in when they were little.  

I didn't volunteer to take them by the house.  They went to look at the house by themselves.  It wasn't that anything bad happened there.  In fact those were good days.  I guess I just didn't want to go back to those days - I have moved forward and I want to keep moving forward.

As a LBG (Late Breaking Gay) I have made a decision to accept myself.  In the process I have learned to forgive myself for living a lie in the past.  I can not pretend that lying was right and so I can't pretend to my children that I was perfect.   So I won't go back - only forward.  

Life and Death Choices

What if you had a choice between life and death?

We mostly just wake up, let the dog out, make coffee, eat breakfast, shower, shave, dress and keep going - this is life.  Or is it?

What if that life were more about choices.  What if you could wake up one day and choose to do something entirely different.  What if you could be something, someone, entirely different.

One day you are just an average Joe commuting to work.  The next day you are a Joe that has come out to the world that you are gay.  You still commute to work.  You still let the dog out and make coffee. 

But you feel different.

You feel honest and free.

What does it take? 

It takes letting the part of you that is afraid die.

If you are on the verge of coming out of the closet - don't be afraid - when you come out you get to start a new life.  It may not be easy but it will be the real you.  

Coming Out at Fifty - Ten Years Later

So what was I expecting exactly?

Honestly when I came out at fifty I thought that
I was ruining my life.  I thought that I was making the biggest mistake of my life.  I was sure that I was too old to come out.  I figured that I would never have a date with a man, let alone have gay sex.  It never occurred to me, NEVER, that I could be in a loving stable relationship with a wonderful caring, sexy, handsome husband.
Now, ten years later I am happier than I have been in my life.

My friend, if you are reading this from your "closet" I can tell you, life is going to be all right.  Be a LBG (Late-Breaking-Gay).  If you are able to unlock the door and walk away one last time you will survive.

You will be happy.
You will feel free.
You will find new reasons to live.
You will sleep better.
You will know you are honest.

Coming out of the closet will not fix everything but you won't be as worried about everything else.

Don't Let the Bullies Win

Why did I stay in the closet for so long? There are lots of reasons. I learned very early that it was safer in the closet than out of the closet. How could I have known this? After all I didn’t come out of the closet until I was in my fifty’s. I learned the safety of the closet by seeing the cruel way my peers treated anyone that they could get away with calling a “fag.”

In fact, in high school, I experienced some of that harassment myself. If I wore clothing that was too trendy (a pair of black and white plaid wool bell-bottom pants comes to mind) I got called a fag. I could take you right to the place in the south hall where it was said. I never wore those pants again. I wasn’t being singled out; every underclassman was harassed like this. It might have been just a universal tease but because I was struggling with my sexuality it was particularly threatening.

I also “took it on the chin” many times. “Chining” as it was called was a brief contact between the chin-er and the chin-e. The Chin-er would cup his hand as though he were stroking his cock and then briefly press the circled thumb and index finger against the chin of the chin-e (victim.) It was done very quickly and no physical harm was done but it was intended to be degrading and humiliating. There was definitely an element of aggression unspoken threat of violence. “Chining” was something that was done all the time to everyone but somehow it bothered me a great deal. I was afraid that the person who was doing it had somehow found me out and that there disdain for “fags” would turn into violent behavior toward me.

But that was then, more than forty years ago. Things are better now. Right? Well in many ways they are certainly better for me. But I am not a teenager. But kids that are struggling to be liked, fit in, be accepted are still just as fragile as I was back in High School. That struggle makes us do illogical things. For me it was to date and then marry a woman. How stupid. I liked men. That didn’t make any sense at all.

But some kids have far greater struggles than I did and do far worse things in response to those struggles. Last week, Rutgers University freshman Tyler Clementi killed himself by jumping off a bridge after his roommate secretly recorded a video of him having sex with another male student in the privacy of his dorm room. The roommate then broadcast the video online.

While this is certainly a very severe incident it is not isolated. Tyler's death was the result of rampant of anti-gay harassment. He was just one of many victims that we know of. There have been a number of recent suicides among teenagers who were ruthlessly "bullied to death."

A recent letter from Joe Solmonese of the HRC explains that “Tyler wasn't the only one. After months of relentless bullying, 13-year-old Seth Walsh hung himself from a tree outside his California home this week. Billy Lucas of Indiana was 15 years old when he hung himself after being called a "fag" over and over again. Asher Brown's classmates teased him without mercy and acted out mock gay sex acts in class, and last Thursday he shot himself in the head. He was only 13.”

Ellen DeGeneres points out that the loss of just one life is a tragedy – but this is an epidemic. We need to do something.

To that end the HRC has developed an innovative program called Welcoming Schools, that gives elementary school teachers, parents and students the country the tools to help stop the name-calling, bullying and gender stereotyping that so many students face every day. It helps kids learn respect and tolerance early on, to prevent violence later in middle and high school

We need to speak out. It is unfortunate that many who are most aware of the damage that this kind of bullying can do are the least likely to speak out because they are in the closet and afraid that somehow speaking to this subject will out them. I urge you to speak out.

The HRC suggests you contact Secretary of Education Arne Duncan. By going to federal website for the Department of education you can contact Arne Duncan (you can even do this anonymously). Ask him to improve our nation’s anti-bullying program. Speak out immediately – and to push every school anti-bullying program in the nation to include sexual orientation and gender identity like HRC's Welcoming Schools program. You can do something – we all need to do something.

Here are some of the things you can do
1. Contact Arne Duncan
2. Write a letter to the editor of your local paper.
3. Let educators and administrators in your local school district know about www.welcomingschools.org and explain why you want to see Welcoming Schools in elementary schools near you.
4. Cut and paste the address of this blog or some the contents of this blog to friends.

The more we spread the word, the better our chances of preventing another tragedy and the better we will sleep.

Don’t let the bullies win.

The Parent's Chairs

Yesterday there was a family party, and I got to sit in the Parent's Chairs.

It was my partner's son-in-law's 30th birthday. His wife (my partner's daughter in case you aren't following yet) threw a surprise birthday party for him. My partner and I hauled the barbecue grill she bought him from HomeDepot and we hauled in chairs and table etc. You know the routine.

What struck me was how normal it all seemed. If you have been reading my blogs you know that I am often struck by how normal my life is. When I was in the closet I was afraid that coming out would ruin my life. Well, to my surprise, coming out has perfected my life.

So now, at the family party, I sit in the Parent's Chairs. You know the chairs, the row of chairs set way back out on the lawn in the deep shade. Close enough to still be a part of every thing but far enough away from the kids at play so as to not be pestered.

As I grew up I never saw my self being relegated to the role of elder, but yesterday it didn't feel like I was being pushed to one side, it felt like I was being respected. And as a LBG (Late Breaking Gay) I was surprised. It wasn't that I stayed in the closet because I was afraid I would never be promoted to the "Parent's Chairs" but now that I am, it feels good to be "normal".

Ticky Tacky Boxes

Do you remember the song "Little Boxes" from the early 60's that makes fun of the development of suburbia?

Little boxes on the hillside,
Little boxes made of ticky tacky,
Little boxes on the hillside,
Little boxes all the same.

There's a green one and a pink one
And a blue one and a yellow one,
And they're all made out of ticky tacky
And they all look just the same.

And the people in the houses
All went to the university,
Where they were put in boxes
And they came out all the same,

And there's doctors and lawyers,
And business executives,
And they're all made out of ticky tacky
And they all look just the same.

And they all play on the golf course
And drink their martinis dry,
And they all have pretty children
And the children go to school,

And the children go to summer camp
And then to the university,
Where they are put in boxes
And they come out all the same.

And the boys go into business
And marry and raise a family
In boxes made of ticky tacky
And they all look just the same.

There's a green one and a pink one
And a blue one and a yellow one,
And they're all made out of ticky tacky
And they all look just the same.

My life before I came out was all ticky tacky. I bought into the only life I knew. It wasn't bad. It just wasn't well thought out. Not because I wasn't thinking about it but because I didn't know there were any other choices.

In ancient Greece young men spent several years being mentored by older men. That relationship was gay. When the young men grew to maturity they would marry and have children and then go on to mentor and have gay relationships with the next generation of young men. I am not suggesting that we should have that kind of society. But it points out that there are many other ways to live.

My point is that we should have the space, time and options to learn ourselves and then and only then choose the life that fits our needs. "Know thy self" first - didn't someone say that - oh yea it was the ancient Greeks.

Today is different. There are lots of other choices. I am encouraged that the young men and women of the new generations can make many other choices. I wish them well.

I am lucky that at long last I do know myself and have chosen well.

Sex School

Do you have a degree in sex?

Did you take any classes in sex?

Oh I’m not talking about “sex education” in High School. That was a joke!

What is it about sex? We can take classes in ceramics or German or take educational vacations to immerse ourselves in a foreign culture. But how do you learn sex?

Of course most people learn sex by experimentation. But that doesn’t make sense. Even in a heterosexual relationship, don’t you want to be the perfect lover? How are you going to be even a adequate lover (yuck) if you have never had sex before and have never learned how to have sex?

There is this terrible assumption that sex is so instinctive that you don’t need any instruction. If you can figure out what hole to put it in you are going to be just fine. WHAT BULLSHIT! That means making lots of mistakes in one of the most important and fulfilling parts of our lives. That seems pretty stupid.

Of course you can watch porn or read “Joy of Sex”. Actually you could watch porn on the net 24/7 and never repeat in a year. And then there are tons of books and magazines that deal with sex. Even at the grocery store check out line the magazines (Cosmo and Men's Health come to mind) say right on th cover that they have lists of "secret" tips on how to please your partner.

I suppose that is better than nothing. But when I go to the gym I can get the assistance of a personal coach – hell I can hire one to come out to the house. Why can’t I get a personal coach for sex?

In India they have the Kama Sutra and in some Arab cultures I understand that fathers teach their sons how to jack off. But in our nice puritanical American culture you are left to pick up technique in the locker room.

Does it make sense that you can hire a sex therapist if you have trouble or go to a sex addiction clinic if you are in over your head? (thanks Tiger – I can’t imagine what those sessions are like.) But you can’t get trained before you start having sex! Hell, you have to pass a test to get a driver’s license, why not to have sex – the world would be a better place.

Now let me take this home – if you will – how does a middle age man, just coming out of the closet, figure out gay sex? Once again you could assume that all you have to do is find the right hole. But how do you learn how to give a blow job or how to suck balls or how to eat ass or how to be a top or how to be a bottom? How do you learn those things?

Now don’t get me wrong, lots and lots of experimentation with lots of lovers has its “up” side. But I have one other suggestion, talk to and listen to your lover. Go ahead, talk about the sex. Ask questions. “What felt good?” “What would you like to try?” “What have you done with other guys you would like to try with me?” Watch porn together and ask “Would you like to try that?”

If you have an open relationship like my partner and I have, pay attention to what he enjoys in a 3 way. And I know this one is tough, but listen when he describes the sex he had with someone while he was away on business. It would be easy to be jealous or insecure, but I suggest that if you talk about sex you and your partner have had with others, it will help you find out what really turns you and your partner on.

Open relationships can screw up people who aren’t honest. Or it can bring new levels of passion to a relationship. It can take you and your partner from predictable to “rock star.” Now that is sex school!

Coming Out - The Slow Process

I made the decision to come out when I was in my 50's.

OK that is a lie, the decision was kind of made for me - OK I got caught!

Computers are a wonderful thing but you have to be careful. Hello - passwords work really well if you set them up.

Maybe I wanted to get caught. Maybe I didn't have the courage to pull the plug on my old life.

I may not have realized it but I had started my new life.

The internet opened the door of my closet. It wasn't all porn either - actually not much porn. My fascination was chatting with other closeted men on Gay.com. I know that doesn't sound very sexy but I was trying to figure myself out by talking to others that were in the same process. I guess that is the purpose of this blog.

Up to the point where I found other Late Breaking Gays on Gay.com I had felt very isolated. Duh - like I was alone in a closet!

I wasn't even sure I was gay. I kept on thinking: Maybe I was just curious, or bi-curious, or going through a phase.

After all, the insatiable urge for men seemed to come and go in waves. I would indulge myself and then I would be fine for a week or so. Of course that period of "fine" got shorter and shorter over time.

So it couldn't be that I was "GAY". I had to just be "Curious".

But I kept on coming back to one thing: When I would meet a married couple, at church or new neighbors or heaven forbid at the beach on vacation, I would be able to recall every detail about the man and nothing about the woman. Oh and if the man was cute - WOW! I remembered everything about the man. The color of his hair, the way he had it parted, the line of his jaw and OMG the package that he sported. It was like a photograph in my mind. But I couldn't tell you anything about the woman.

It was having that experience over and over again that confirmed for me that I was gay. It was a confirmation that came out the sanest moments of life not just when I was in a horny froth.

Coming out past 50

I was 53 years old when I came out.

I sometimes wish I had come out in my 20's.

But I would most likely be dead now so I suppose that is OK.

But I must confess that when I see some of the pictures of gays in the 70's I wish I had taken the dive. I would have looked good in jeans that showed off my dick and skin tight silk shirts with most of the buttons undone leaning against the door frame with a come-hither look in my eyes.

OK - maybe I wouldn't have looked all that good but I want to think I would have.

Instead I was married and starting to raise kids.

It was the kids that kept me in the closet for more than 3 decades.

Once you have a kid you have made a promise to that little bundle of joy to be there for them. So you put your own needs on the shelf - or back in the closet - and you do what has to be done.

I suspect that if you have read this far you identify with that.

When my kids were out on their own - I wanted to be out to - before I was too old to enjoy it - so I gave it all up - packed it all in and said "it is time for me!"

I haven't looked back since.

Confessions of a Late Breaking Gay

That's me, a late breaking gay.

My definition of a LBG: Lived straight and narrow (well not all the time) for most of my life and
then came charging out of the closet late in life.

My first purpose here is to talk about that experience and my experiences since.

My second purpose is to develop a community of men who share that experience.

I think we have a lot to say to one another and I hope to grow from that sharing.

So let the story telling begin!