I Won't Go Back - Only Forward

 

The family reunion was held in the same small town where my wife and my two children lived thirty years ago.  

One of the things that my kids wanted to do while we were there was to drive by the house that we lived in when they were little.  

I didn't volunteer to take them by the house.  They went to look at the house by themselves.  It wasn't that anything bad happened there.  In fact those were good days.  I guess I just didn't want to go back to those days - I have moved forward and I want to keep moving forward.

As a LBG (Late Breaking Gay) I have made a decision to accept myself.  In the process I have learned to forgive myself for living a lie in the past.  I can not pretend that lying was right and so I can't pretend to my children that I was perfect.   So I won't go back - only forward.  

Something Different

Do you remember those worksheets in kindergarten where you had to pick out the thing that was different? 

That was you.  

Isn't it great to be different?

Showing Off

 

Is it ok to be an exhibitionist?

No! I’m not talking about flashing to little old women at the bus stop. 
 
I am talking about showing off my big hard dick to another man via cam.

Well it is everywhere - from phones to chat rooms. 

Why is this such a turn on for everyone - including me? 

Up and down and done and off you go.  No mess no phone number no expectations.

It is anonymous (or not) and it is highly focused. 

Where else are you going to get someone to stare at your junk (I hate that term but it works well here) for an extended period while you jerk off?  It is also safe.  Plus no one is going to be offended or call the cops.

Hey I love showing off.

Gay as Hell

I continue to be amazed how ordinary it is to be gay.  My husband and I clean house and buy groceries. We go out to dinner and to a show and no one says or does anything.  We are just plain vanilla.  Just a couple of guys.  We don't look any different or act any different. 

But - Oh My - when we get home and close the door to our bedroom - that is gay as hell.

All American Boy

There is something amazing happening out there.  A young good looking gay man who sings country western has put out wonderful love song about unrequited gay love. 

His name is Steve Grand.  He doesn't have a manager, label or a concert tour.  But he understands what its like to be gay and be in love and how risky it can feel.

Check out his YouTube video at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pjiyjYCwNyY 

BTW 1,832,288 views on YouTube to date.

Check out his web page and buy his music at http://stevegrand.bandcamp.com/

Read the lyrics below - but watch this rising star!!!!!

All American Boy

VERSE 1
Ripped Jeans, only drinks whiskey
I find him by the fire while his girl was getting frisky, ohh
I say we go this road tonight

He smiles, his arms around her
but his eyes are holdin me, just a captive to his wonder, ohh
I say we go this road tonight

PRE-CHORUS
now I know that that's your girl, I mean no disrespect
The way that shirt hugs you chest boy, I just won't forget
I'll be sittin here, drinking my whiskey
I won't say goodnight unless I think ya might miss me, ohh

CHORUS
Be my All-American boy tonight
where everyday's the 4th of July
and it's alright, alright
And we can keep this up till the morning light
and you can hold me deep in your eyes
and it's alright, alright
be my, be my
my All-American boy

VERSE 2
Ripped jeans, tight shirt
he lights a cigarette you know I'm glad that she can't stand it, ohh
I drink the moonlight from his eyes

Now hold there, just a moment
I want to take this in now we don't need no photo of it, no
we should go this road tonight

PRE-CHORUS 2
now I know that that's your girl, and I don't give a damn
she's been cusin and cryin, she don't know what she has
so I'll be sittin here, tryin to hold down my whiskey,
you tell your girl good night cause somebody'd like to kiss me, ohh

CHORUS
Be my All-American boy tonight
where everyday's the 4th of July
and it's alright, alright
And we can keep this up till the morning light
and you can hold me deep in your eyes
and it's alright, alright
be my, be my
my All-American boy

BRIDGE:
Of all the girls and boys to look my way
Ain't nobody ever hit me this way
so won't you come back with me
and lay with me a while

I'm gonna wrestle you out of them clothes,
leave that beautiful body exposed,
and you can have my heart and my soul and my body...
just be mine

GUITAR SOLO

DOWN CHORUS
Be my All-American boy tonight
baby you light my fire
it's gonna be alright, alright!

CHORUS
Be my All-American boy tonight
where everyday's the 4th of July
and it's alright, alright
And we can keep this up till the morning light
and you can hold me deep in your eyes
and it's alright, alright
be my, be my...
just, be my, be my...
my All-American boy

I Feel Like My Family Just Got a Lot Bigger

The call came Thursday at 11:00.  One of my partner's cousins called to say that his favorite Aunt had passed away the night before and that the funeral was going to be in a small town in western Iowa on Saturday.  There was no way to arrange to fly so we got in the car on Friday morning and drove for 12 hours. 

My partner was worried about how his family would receive me/us.  I have met some of my partner's family at his daughter's wedding four years ago but this weekend was going to be a lot of family that I have not met and it was going to be at a funeral in a Catholic church in the middle of cornfield-conservative-country.  I mean two hours drive from where we left the interstate let alone a big city.  Hell my cell phone didn't work. 

At the funeral service I was as nervous as a pregnant whore in Sunday School.  I felt like there was a big "Gay" sign on my forehead.  The fact that we are gay or partners or married is no secret.  But damn, I was sitting with my handsome partner in the fourth row of a Catholic church with the family.  I am six, three with silver hair.  I stick out!

After the service we ate dinner with my partner's family in the church hall and then went to the cemetery and then to the family home.  Then something wonderful began to happen. 

All of my partner's family went out of their way to make me feel welcome.  We talked and laughed.  We did the same normal stuff that every family does at these sort of things.  People asked about me and my job and my family.  When we said our goodbyes I was surrounded with hugs and kisses (many from men) and admonished to visit and promises were made to come see  us.

I sat in the passenger seat as we drove down the two miles of gravel road to get back to the road to our hotel  I watched the lush green fields of corn and soybeans slide by as the sun slid towards the horizon.  I thought how beautiful it was there and how wrong I had been about the people there.  They didn't give a damn if I was gay or green as long as my partner was happy.  They love him so they love me.

As a LBG (Late Breaking Gay) who has been out of the closet now for 8 years I still worry about being accepted.  An old bad habit I guess.  But the bottom line is that when you love someone you want them to be happy.  If someone doesn't want you to be happy, maybe they don't really love you...could be.

Talking to the Grandkids

It was the summer family reunion.  The kids had been chasing lighting bugs and my grandsons had come up to the porch to show off their jars of glowing bugs.  The two littlest ones (both four years old) fell onto my lap and the oldest (12 years old) sat across from me.  I chatted and laughed and they wiggled and giggled. 

One of them started to play with my chocker.  It is a bone and wood fish hook on a string that we got in Hawaii when we got married there in April.  They asked what it was and I told them that Mark and I had each gotten one when we were there and got married because we were "hooked on each other."  The little ones didn't think too much about it but I could see my 12 year old grandson's eyes get really big.

So after the little ones wondered away to release their lighting bugs I talked to my 12 year old grandson.  I asked him if he knew that Mark and I were married.  He said no, he thought that we were just friends.  We talked more and I answered his questions but he really didn't have that many.

Mark and I live in Dallas and my grandsons live in Chicago so we don't see each other enough.  But it didn't seem to be that big of a deal to my grandson.  I guess it is a matter of changes in attitudes from one generation to the other but I am grateful that my children and my grandchildren are good with me being a LBG (Late Breaking Gay). 

It always seems like it will be so hard to tell someone, especially people that you love that you are gay.  But in truth, it is the easiest thing in the world.  People who love you, love you no matter what and being honest with them just makes that love grow stronger.