Last night my husband took me to a mixer for a local candidate for state rep.
My husband is a lot more political than I am. We share the same political views but I have just never been very active. I generally know the candidates and try to be informed but he is an encyclopedia of knowledge on politics from Nixon to now. I admire that but it is hard to catch up sometimes.
But last night I saw politics in a new light. We had been invited to attend this meeting by our neighbors. Straight neighbors. And while we were there we visited with several of our straight neighbors about the candidate and about our kids. It was all very "normal." We just happened to be the gay couple in the crowd.
Now I am 6'3" and my husband is 5'11" so we don't exactly disappear into the crowd. So when the candidate came around glad handing I think she pretty much had me/us figured out. When she asked what issues I had concerns about I asked what her position was on the defense of marriage act. Her response was enthusiastic and positive. She said she was Roman Catholic but that she felt it was a basic right for people to be able to marry whomever they wanted to marry.
Of course this particular candidate may or may not win this election. Besides that, if she won she wouldn't really be able to do much about DOMA as a state rep. That is not the point of my comments. The point is that one of the things that gays need to do is get directly involved in the political process. It will change things.
One of the things that made last night important is that this all took place in a very hetro suburb. It is my observation that LBGs (late breaking gays) are more likely to stay out in the suburbs than to move to the gay ghetto. Because of this the LBGs (late breaking gays) have a better chance of making a difference in the mind of their neighbors and politicians by their very presence and by their involvement. It is a better edge than the 20 somethings in the gay ghetto.
A lot of the LBGs (late breaking gays) are well educated and have been successful in their careers. Many of them are doctors and lawyers and entrepreneurs. To a politician they could be a powerful ally. I think the potential to change the way the world and politicians see gays may be greatly improved by the LBGs (late breaking gays). All we need to do is be unafraid in our communities and yes, even active in politics.
So last night we brought a sign home.
We put it on the corner of our corner lot.
Then we went in and had great "post political meeting sex."
I kind of like this political activist thing.
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Don't Ask - Don't Tell
With all due respect to gay men and women who serve in our armed forces - this is not about them.
I have the utmost respect for the difficult situation that gay and lesbian military men and women find themselves in - they can't be honest about who they are because of an undeserved homophobia. That isn't right. Good God people - just because a person is gay doesn't mean he can't do his job - including pulling a trigger if he or she has to. I respect that and appreciate what the military does - I don't think I could.
I think the really big problem with the military and gays isn't about the fox hole, it is the bunk room, locker room and shower room. It is all about someone checking out their bits! The closest that I ever got to their experience was in the locker room. I see it to this day at the gym - some people are totally comfortable about being seen naked - but most are a little shy.
The most vivid and outrageous example I ever saw of this was in High School. I was a sophomore on the swimming team and we wore Speedos (nylon in those days) and had a gang shower. The seniors were so good looking but I looked like a refuge from a concentration camp. The seniors were also a horny bunch and would be very provocative. When practice was over the dive team would sometimes strip down (they had Lycra Speedos) and dive and swim naked. Some of the seniors would jack themselves in the gang shower (the better to show off how big their dicks were) in front of everyone. The coach would come in and yell at them. I was both fascinated and terrified by the whole thing. I wanted to watch but I would get harder than a rock if I watched. I would pretty much just run to my locker and get dressed as fast as I could and get the hell out of there.
Today I experience that whole "Don't Ask - Don't Tell" thing at work. I work for a very nice company that is owned by Christian fundamentalist. They even have a nice bible study every Thursday at lunch. If I came out I would get fired. Oh not for being gay - it would be for some other reason - but I would get fired.
So, despite a real desire, even a real need to be honest about who I am - I can't tell. I need the money. I take my lunch most of the time and people always ask if my wife fixed it. My answer "It was a joint effort - I cleaned up." That gets a laugh and they leave me alone. But the truth is: I would love to tell them "My husband is a great cook." But I can't.
Is it fair? No! But life isn't ever going to be fair. I am glad that we live a very open life style in most respects - but it is unfortunate that so many gay people have to stay in the closet when they go to work. I think everyone looses. Maybe even the military.
I have the utmost respect for the difficult situation that gay and lesbian military men and women find themselves in - they can't be honest about who they are because of an undeserved homophobia. That isn't right. Good God people - just because a person is gay doesn't mean he can't do his job - including pulling a trigger if he or she has to. I respect that and appreciate what the military does - I don't think I could.
I think the really big problem with the military and gays isn't about the fox hole, it is the bunk room, locker room and shower room. It is all about someone checking out their bits! The closest that I ever got to their experience was in the locker room. I see it to this day at the gym - some people are totally comfortable about being seen naked - but most are a little shy.
The most vivid and outrageous example I ever saw of this was in High School. I was a sophomore on the swimming team and we wore Speedos (nylon in those days) and had a gang shower. The seniors were so good looking but I looked like a refuge from a concentration camp. The seniors were also a horny bunch and would be very provocative. When practice was over the dive team would sometimes strip down (they had Lycra Speedos) and dive and swim naked. Some of the seniors would jack themselves in the gang shower (the better to show off how big their dicks were) in front of everyone. The coach would come in and yell at them. I was both fascinated and terrified by the whole thing. I wanted to watch but I would get harder than a rock if I watched. I would pretty much just run to my locker and get dressed as fast as I could and get the hell out of there.
Today I experience that whole "Don't Ask - Don't Tell" thing at work. I work for a very nice company that is owned by Christian fundamentalist. They even have a nice bible study every Thursday at lunch. If I came out I would get fired. Oh not for being gay - it would be for some other reason - but I would get fired.
So, despite a real desire, even a real need to be honest about who I am - I can't tell. I need the money. I take my lunch most of the time and people always ask if my wife fixed it. My answer "It was a joint effort - I cleaned up." That gets a laugh and they leave me alone. But the truth is: I would love to tell them "My husband is a great cook." But I can't.
Is it fair? No! But life isn't ever going to be fair. I am glad that we live a very open life style in most respects - but it is unfortunate that so many gay people have to stay in the closet when they go to work. I think everyone looses. Maybe even the military.
Friendship
I was never very good at making friends when I was in the closet.
I was afraid they would figure me out. That's a laugh since I hadn't figured myself out yet. But I was afraid that if I said the wrong thing or gave an obvious glance to another man that it would give me away. And of course if I became really good friends with someone then we might talk about what we thought or how we felt. I was afraid that if I got really honest with someone that I would undoubtedly just blurt out something gay. I know, "How stupid!"
The real problem was of course that I wasn't being honest with myself about being gay. If I became really good friends with someone I would want to be really honest. More than anything I wanted to just be me, not someone that I was pretending to be. I had my straight persona pretty well figured out but not my gay self that I kept in the closet.
It's kind of like Superman. Clark Kent is this mil toast guy without friends because he can't let anyone know that he is wearing tights under that cheap suit. But Superman is all Lycra stretched over a hot body and an obvious package under a Speedo. Of all of Superman's powers, more than anything, I liked his underwear the best. Man-o-man how I wanted to be Superman. He was just so,Gay!
Of course I did have friends before I came out. Unfortuantly most of them were through work or church. Great! I didn't dare being "discovered" in either situation. You kno,w looking back on it, being discovered was as much about me discovering my own "gayness" as it was others figuring it out. I was trying to avoid both.
After spending all of my adult avoiding being too close to other men, it is an adjustment to want to be close now. And yet I am reassured by something that happened just today. Last night someone hacked into my gmail account and started sending emails to everyone in my address book telling them that I was on vacation in England and had been robbed and needed money to get home. As a result the phone started ringing at 7:30 this morning.
I was not in the mood - Friday night had gone into Saturday morning and all I wanted to do was sleep in. Instead I spent half of my Saturday fielding calls from friends that wanted to make sure everything was OK and dealing with the email service company.
The take away was this (and I will quote a friend that called just a few moment ago) "just remember that a lot of people love you and care for you." How reassuring is that?
It is possible, after living most of your life with confusion and lies, to come out of the closet and find out that you are a very likable and even loveable person - even if you are gay? Not just yes, HELL YES! And lucky me - I am now married to my best friend! How wonderful is that?
I was afraid they would figure me out. That's a laugh since I hadn't figured myself out yet. But I was afraid that if I said the wrong thing or gave an obvious glance to another man that it would give me away. And of course if I became really good friends with someone then we might talk about what we thought or how we felt. I was afraid that if I got really honest with someone that I would undoubtedly just blurt out something gay. I know, "How stupid!"
The real problem was of course that I wasn't being honest with myself about being gay. If I became really good friends with someone I would want to be really honest. More than anything I wanted to just be me, not someone that I was pretending to be. I had my straight persona pretty well figured out but not my gay self that I kept in the closet.
It's kind of like Superman. Clark Kent is this mil toast guy without friends because he can't let anyone know that he is wearing tights under that cheap suit. But Superman is all Lycra stretched over a hot body and an obvious package under a Speedo. Of all of Superman's powers, more than anything, I liked his underwear the best. Man-o-man how I wanted to be Superman. He was just so,Gay!
Of course I did have friends before I came out. Unfortuantly most of them were through work or church. Great! I didn't dare being "discovered" in either situation. You kno,w looking back on it, being discovered was as much about me discovering my own "gayness" as it was others figuring it out. I was trying to avoid both.
After spending all of my adult avoiding being too close to other men, it is an adjustment to want to be close now. And yet I am reassured by something that happened just today. Last night someone hacked into my gmail account and started sending emails to everyone in my address book telling them that I was on vacation in England and had been robbed and needed money to get home. As a result the phone started ringing at 7:30 this morning.
I was not in the mood - Friday night had gone into Saturday morning and all I wanted to do was sleep in. Instead I spent half of my Saturday fielding calls from friends that wanted to make sure everything was OK and dealing with the email service company.
The take away was this (and I will quote a friend that called just a few moment ago) "just remember that a lot of people love you and care for you." How reassuring is that?
It is possible, after living most of your life with confusion and lies, to come out of the closet and find out that you are a very likable and even loveable person - even if you are gay? Not just yes, HELL YES! And lucky me - I am now married to my best friend! How wonderful is that?
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Sex School
Do you have a degree in sex?
Did you take any classes in sex?
Oh I’m not talking about “sex education” in High School. That was a joke!
What is it about sex? We can take classes in ceramics or German or take educational vacations to immerse ourselves in a foreign culture. But how do you learn sex?
Of course most people learn sex by experimentation. But that doesn’t make sense. Even in a heterosexual relationship, don’t you want to be the perfect lover? How are you going to be even a adequate lover (yuck) if you have never had sex before and have never learned how to have sex?
There is this terrible assumption that sex is so instinctive that you don’t need any instruction. If you can figure out what hole to put it in you are going to be just fine. WHAT BULLSHIT! That means making lots of mistakes in one of the most important and fulfilling parts of our lives. That seems pretty stupid.
Of course you can watch porn or read “Joy of Sex”. Actually you could watch porn on the net 24/7 and never repeat in a year. And then there are tons of books and magazines that deal with sex. Even at the grocery store check out line the magazines (Cosmo and Men's Health come to mind) say right on th cover that they have lists of "secret" tips on how to please your partner.
I suppose that is better than nothing. But when I go to the gym I can get the assistance of a personal coach – hell I can hire one to come out to the house. Why can’t I get a personal coach for sex?
In India they have the Kama Sutra and in some Arab cultures I understand that fathers teach their sons how to jack off. But in our nice puritanical American culture you are left to pick up technique in the locker room.
Does it make sense that you can hire a sex therapist if you have trouble or go to a sex addiction clinic if you are in over your head? (thanks Tiger – I can’t imagine what those sessions are like.) But you can’t get trained before you start having sex! Hell, you have to pass a test to get a driver’s license, why not to have sex – the world would be a better place.
Now let me take this home – if you will – how does a middle age man, just coming out of the closet, figure out gay sex? Once again you could assume that all you have to do is find the right hole. But how do you learn how to give a blow job or how to suck balls or how to eat ass or how to be a top or how to be a bottom? How do you learn those things?
Now don’t get me wrong, lots and lots of experimentation with lots of lovers has its “up” side. But I have one other suggestion, talk to and listen to your lover. Go ahead, talk about the sex. Ask questions. “What felt good?” “What would you like to try?” “What have you done with other guys you would like to try with me?” Watch porn together and ask “Would you like to try that?”
If you have an open relationship like my partner and I have, pay attention to what he enjoys in a 3 way. And I know this one is tough, but listen when he describes the sex he had with someone while he was away on business. It would be easy to be jealous or insecure, but I suggest that if you talk about sex you and your partner have had with others, it will help you find out what really turns you and your partner on.
Open relationships can screw up people who aren’t honest. Or it can bring new levels of passion to a relationship. It can take you and your partner from predictable to “rock star.” Now that is sex school!
Did you take any classes in sex?
Oh I’m not talking about “sex education” in High School. That was a joke!
What is it about sex? We can take classes in ceramics or German or take educational vacations to immerse ourselves in a foreign culture. But how do you learn sex?
Of course most people learn sex by experimentation. But that doesn’t make sense. Even in a heterosexual relationship, don’t you want to be the perfect lover? How are you going to be even a adequate lover (yuck) if you have never had sex before and have never learned how to have sex?
There is this terrible assumption that sex is so instinctive that you don’t need any instruction. If you can figure out what hole to put it in you are going to be just fine. WHAT BULLSHIT! That means making lots of mistakes in one of the most important and fulfilling parts of our lives. That seems pretty stupid.
Of course you can watch porn or read “Joy of Sex”. Actually you could watch porn on the net 24/7 and never repeat in a year. And then there are tons of books and magazines that deal with sex. Even at the grocery store check out line the magazines (Cosmo and Men's Health come to mind) say right on th cover that they have lists of "secret" tips on how to please your partner.
I suppose that is better than nothing. But when I go to the gym I can get the assistance of a personal coach – hell I can hire one to come out to the house. Why can’t I get a personal coach for sex?
In India they have the Kama Sutra and in some Arab cultures I understand that fathers teach their sons how to jack off. But in our nice puritanical American culture you are left to pick up technique in the locker room.
Does it make sense that you can hire a sex therapist if you have trouble or go to a sex addiction clinic if you are in over your head? (thanks Tiger – I can’t imagine what those sessions are like.) But you can’t get trained before you start having sex! Hell, you have to pass a test to get a driver’s license, why not to have sex – the world would be a better place.
Now let me take this home – if you will – how does a middle age man, just coming out of the closet, figure out gay sex? Once again you could assume that all you have to do is find the right hole. But how do you learn how to give a blow job or how to suck balls or how to eat ass or how to be a top or how to be a bottom? How do you learn those things?
Now don’t get me wrong, lots and lots of experimentation with lots of lovers has its “up” side. But I have one other suggestion, talk to and listen to your lover. Go ahead, talk about the sex. Ask questions. “What felt good?” “What would you like to try?” “What have you done with other guys you would like to try with me?” Watch porn together and ask “Would you like to try that?”
If you have an open relationship like my partner and I have, pay attention to what he enjoys in a 3 way. And I know this one is tough, but listen when he describes the sex he had with someone while he was away on business. It would be easy to be jealous or insecure, but I suggest that if you talk about sex you and your partner have had with others, it will help you find out what really turns you and your partner on.
Open relationships can screw up people who aren’t honest. Or it can bring new levels of passion to a relationship. It can take you and your partner from predictable to “rock star.” Now that is sex school!
Monday, January 25, 2010
Cheating
What does it mean to cheat, to be a cheater?
According to Webster's dictionary cheating means:
1 : to deprive of something valuable by the use of deceit or fraud
2 : to influence or lead by deceit, trick, or artifice
3 : to elude or thwart by or as if by outwitting
intransitive verb
1 a : to practice fraud or trickery b : to violate rules dishonestly
2 : to be sexually unfaithful —usually used with on
So I was a cheater: I violated rules (a promise) and I was sexually unfaithful.
Yes, all of that. I made a promise to be faithful and I wasn't.
But if it is any consolation I guess my crime is intransitive, (Webster goes on to say that intransitive means: not transitive; especially : characterized by not having or containing a direct object). For me there was no object. I didn't care who I was unfaithful with.
Does that make a difference? Not in the narrow world that I married into when I was 20. But the world, at least my world was different then.
I want to make this very clear: I made a promise and I didn't keep it. Bad on me!
I think that is pretty important. I believe that if I make a promise I should keep it. I didn't! I felt very bad about that. Not bad enough to not do it again, just bad. As I have said before it came and went in waves. I would cheat, feel bad about myself, behave for some period and then repeat the process.
I am reminded that if you keep on repeating something and expecting the outcome to be different - that is the definition of insanity. So I guess I was insane.
It wasn't that I was trying to hurt or even cheat my wife. I was trying to find myself.
What was this passion, this desire? What was this feeling that I had that could get in the way of all the plans and hopes that I had for my life?
I loved men! They were hot! They had wonderful bodies and I wanted to see them naked. They were hung! I wanted to see their cocks! I wanted to see their balls! I wanted to see their asses! This was primal. This desire was at the very core of my being! All the civilized promises that I made could not damp the heat that burned in my loins. I wanted to be with men that wanted me.
This is not an attempt to excuse myself. If I had been a better person I would have understood what was going on in me and gotten a divorce and then moved on. But I wasn't a better person. I was weak and afraid and I denied what I was feeling. I will note, to my credit, I was trying to somehow make it all go away - or at least be manageable. I could not deal with the guilt. I could not deal with the lie.
After I came out my ex's sister emailed me. She wanted to know why I had cheated on my wife. One of the things I wrote back was that "it is better that I am honest about who I am than to live a lie." I don't think she or my ex got that.
That brings me back to where my partner and I are at: when we play with other men we are honest about it. We came into this relationship knowing that we both wanted men. Lots of men. We just happened to fall head over heals in love with one another.
To start a relationship like both had been in before would have only set us up for failure.
Bottom line is this: a relationship does not have to be built on the traditions that we are all use to. We decided that we could be partners, even married husbands, and still create our own rules.
Don't get me wrong, we don't have many rules: be safe and be honest. That's pretty much it.
Love takes care of the rest.
According to Webster's dictionary cheating means:
1 : to deprive of something valuable by the use of deceit or fraud
2 : to influence or lead by deceit, trick, or artifice
3 : to elude or thwart by or as if by outwitting
intransitive verb
1 a : to practice fraud or trickery b : to violate rules dishonestly
2 : to be sexually unfaithful —usually used with on
So I was a cheater: I violated rules (a promise) and I was sexually unfaithful.
Yes, all of that. I made a promise to be faithful and I wasn't.
But if it is any consolation I guess my crime is intransitive, (Webster goes on to say that intransitive means: not transitive; especially : characterized by not having or containing a direct object). For me there was no object. I didn't care who I was unfaithful with.
Does that make a difference? Not in the narrow world that I married into when I was 20. But the world, at least my world was different then.
I want to make this very clear: I made a promise and I didn't keep it. Bad on me!
I think that is pretty important. I believe that if I make a promise I should keep it. I didn't! I felt very bad about that. Not bad enough to not do it again, just bad. As I have said before it came and went in waves. I would cheat, feel bad about myself, behave for some period and then repeat the process.
I am reminded that if you keep on repeating something and expecting the outcome to be different - that is the definition of insanity. So I guess I was insane.
It wasn't that I was trying to hurt or even cheat my wife. I was trying to find myself.
What was this passion, this desire? What was this feeling that I had that could get in the way of all the plans and hopes that I had for my life?
I loved men! They were hot! They had wonderful bodies and I wanted to see them naked. They were hung! I wanted to see their cocks! I wanted to see their balls! I wanted to see their asses! This was primal. This desire was at the very core of my being! All the civilized promises that I made could not damp the heat that burned in my loins. I wanted to be with men that wanted me.
This is not an attempt to excuse myself. If I had been a better person I would have understood what was going on in me and gotten a divorce and then moved on. But I wasn't a better person. I was weak and afraid and I denied what I was feeling. I will note, to my credit, I was trying to somehow make it all go away - or at least be manageable. I could not deal with the guilt. I could not deal with the lie.
After I came out my ex's sister emailed me. She wanted to know why I had cheated on my wife. One of the things I wrote back was that "it is better that I am honest about who I am than to live a lie." I don't think she or my ex got that.
That brings me back to where my partner and I are at: when we play with other men we are honest about it. We came into this relationship knowing that we both wanted men. Lots of men. We just happened to fall head over heals in love with one another.
To start a relationship like both had been in before would have only set us up for failure.
Bottom line is this: a relationship does not have to be built on the traditions that we are all use to. We decided that we could be partners, even married husbands, and still create our own rules.
Don't get me wrong, we don't have many rules: be safe and be honest. That's pretty much it.
Love takes care of the rest.
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Bisexual?
As I have mentioned, I went through a phase where I thought maybe I was bisexual. I guess technically I was. I was, afterall, having sex with a woman on a "somewhat" regular basis and at the same time wanting to be (and occasionly actualy being) with men. Yes I cheated! I think I will devote a whole different blog to cheating but for now I want to focus on what I was thinking, when I was thinking, that I was bi-sexual.
I did a lot of on-line reaserach during my "bi-curious" phase. Did you know that Alexander the Great, the Macedonian king, is thought to have been bisexual, and to have had a male lover named Hephaestion.
And did you know, also according to Wikeopedian, that Spartans thought that love and erotic relationships between experienced and novice soldiers would solidify combat loyalty and encourage heroic tactics as men vied to impress their lovers? Now they were suppose to leave such things behind and go get married and have kids, but it sounds pretty "bisexual" to me.
Wikeopedia lists more than 150 "famous" people that are or were "bisexual" Amoung them Marlan Brando, Samy Davis Jr, Richard Burton, David Bowe, and Andy Dick (Please!). Thank you Wikeopdea.
It wasn't that easy when I first was searching on the internet. But I found a few refrences that I clung to. I mean, hell if Alexander the great could be bisexual I could be! Right? But I wasn't.
Oh I got it up with my wife. And most of the time it felt good. But now I know it wasn't even close.
Thats what I discovered about me - I love men.
If you are bisexual - more power to you - I just know that I was kidding myself - I love men! I love the sight, smell and touch of a sexy man. I am Gay!
I did a lot of on-line reaserach during my "bi-curious" phase. Did you know that Alexander the Great, the Macedonian king, is thought to have been bisexual, and to have had a male lover named Hephaestion.
And did you know, also according to Wikeopedian, that Spartans thought that love and erotic relationships between experienced and novice soldiers would solidify combat loyalty and encourage heroic tactics as men vied to impress their lovers? Now they were suppose to leave such things behind and go get married and have kids, but it sounds pretty "bisexual" to me.
Wikeopedia lists more than 150 "famous" people that are or were "bisexual" Amoung them Marlan Brando, Samy Davis Jr, Richard Burton, David Bowe, and Andy Dick (Please!). Thank you Wikeopdea.
It wasn't that easy when I first was searching on the internet. But I found a few refrences that I clung to. I mean, hell if Alexander the great could be bisexual I could be! Right? But I wasn't.
Oh I got it up with my wife. And most of the time it felt good. But now I know it wasn't even close.
Thats what I discovered about me - I love men.
If you are bisexual - more power to you - I just know that I was kidding myself - I love men! I love the sight, smell and touch of a sexy man. I am Gay!
Saturday, January 16, 2010
Gay Marriage
This is not about the fight for legal gay marriage. I may comment on that at a later time. This is about falling in love and telling someone "I want to be a part of you and you a part of me."
As I have mentioned, when I came out I just wanted to play. So many men so little time!
Then I met Mark. We are soul mates. I never knew what true love was till I met him.
Don't get me wrong, I loved the woman that I married when I was 20. But! I was young and didn't understand me.
It is funny that it can take so long to get to know yourself. There you are spending 24 hours a day with yourself and you don't know yourself. Why is that?
Anyway, when I met Mark I fell head over heals in love. Soul mates! Damn yes! I have no doubt that we have been together in previous lives. No - really! I know that sounds drippy and overly romantic - but that is the way we feel - deeply and madly in love - so we wanted to get married.
It wasn't about getting married legally - no need for that and Texas doesn't allow it. No point in getting "legally" married in a state that allows it because Texas doesn't recognize it (there is seriously something wrong with that in the United States of America - thanks to to the Defense of Marriage Act - DUMP IT!)
Getting married was about how we felt about one another and what we wanted our friends and family to know about that. So we got married at the Cathedral of Hope.
Gay and straight friends attended - most of a hundred people - we stood up there and pledged our love to each other before God and our family and friends. I can not think of a better way to say "I love you" to the man that I love.
You can just live with someone or you can live with someone and make it a very public commitment - which is better? You be the judge, but I know that having my family and friends know that Mark is my husband is exactly what I want - and it is wonderful.
As I have mentioned, when I came out I just wanted to play. So many men so little time!
Then I met Mark. We are soul mates. I never knew what true love was till I met him.
Don't get me wrong, I loved the woman that I married when I was 20. But! I was young and didn't understand me.
It is funny that it can take so long to get to know yourself. There you are spending 24 hours a day with yourself and you don't know yourself. Why is that?
Anyway, when I met Mark I fell head over heals in love. Soul mates! Damn yes! I have no doubt that we have been together in previous lives. No - really! I know that sounds drippy and overly romantic - but that is the way we feel - deeply and madly in love - so we wanted to get married.
It wasn't about getting married legally - no need for that and Texas doesn't allow it. No point in getting "legally" married in a state that allows it because Texas doesn't recognize it (there is seriously something wrong with that in the United States of America - thanks to to the Defense of Marriage Act - DUMP IT!)
Getting married was about how we felt about one another and what we wanted our friends and family to know about that. So we got married at the Cathedral of Hope.
Gay and straight friends attended - most of a hundred people - we stood up there and pledged our love to each other before God and our family and friends. I can not think of a better way to say "I love you" to the man that I love.
You can just live with someone or you can live with someone and make it a very public commitment - which is better? You be the judge, but I know that having my family and friends know that Mark is my husband is exactly what I want - and it is wonderful.
Gay Church
I was raised Presbyterian and then married into the Southern Baptist Church.
Talk about a guilt trip!
In truth when I got married at 20 years old I was trying to get as far away from my gay impulses as possible. Both getting married and being a Southern Baptist was an attempt to cleanse myself of my "evil" impulses. I hoped that if I could just focus on being hetro and focus on being a good Christian then all those impulses would go away. Of course they didn't.
Towards the end - early in my 50's - I tried to talk to my pastor about my struggle with gay feelings. They prayed for me and then never talked to me again. They couldn't deal with it. That didn't help me deal with it.
When I came out I pretty much figured I was going to leave religion behind. Certainly religion had left me behind. When you come out you are ready to leave a lot of things behind - and I was willing to leave religion behind - but to my surprise I didn't have to - others had been down this road before.
When I moved to Dallas I searched for gay support groups - I didn't know how to be gay and I needed help. One of the "groups" I found was Cathedral of Hope. (http://www.cathedralofhope.com ) It is the largest gay church in the world.
I was hesitant to go to Cathedral of Hope because I had really written of that part of my life but I thought I would at least give it a quick look. I was hooked from the first time I went. Hundreds of gay men!
OK that by itself would keep a gay man interested but it was the message from the pulpit that ultimately kept me coming back. Over and over again it is made clear that God love everyone: straight, gay, bi-sexual, transsexual, God loves us all.
I am not going to preach or get evangelical here - I just want to share that I found acceptance in an area of my life that had been important in my life before I was gay.
It gets back to something more basic about coming out. Life isn't as different as I thought it would be.
The reality it that I am still just me - just without the guilt.
That is a very good thing.
Talk about a guilt trip!
In truth when I got married at 20 years old I was trying to get as far away from my gay impulses as possible. Both getting married and being a Southern Baptist was an attempt to cleanse myself of my "evil" impulses. I hoped that if I could just focus on being hetro and focus on being a good Christian then all those impulses would go away. Of course they didn't.
Towards the end - early in my 50's - I tried to talk to my pastor about my struggle with gay feelings. They prayed for me and then never talked to me again. They couldn't deal with it. That didn't help me deal with it.
When I came out I pretty much figured I was going to leave religion behind. Certainly religion had left me behind. When you come out you are ready to leave a lot of things behind - and I was willing to leave religion behind - but to my surprise I didn't have to - others had been down this road before.
When I moved to Dallas I searched for gay support groups - I didn't know how to be gay and I needed help. One of the "groups" I found was Cathedral of Hope. (http://www.cathedralofhope.com ) It is the largest gay church in the world.
I was hesitant to go to Cathedral of Hope because I had really written of that part of my life but I thought I would at least give it a quick look. I was hooked from the first time I went. Hundreds of gay men!
OK that by itself would keep a gay man interested but it was the message from the pulpit that ultimately kept me coming back. Over and over again it is made clear that God love everyone: straight, gay, bi-sexual, transsexual, God loves us all.
I am not going to preach or get evangelical here - I just want to share that I found acceptance in an area of my life that had been important in my life before I was gay.
It gets back to something more basic about coming out. Life isn't as different as I thought it would be.
The reality it that I am still just me - just without the guilt.
That is a very good thing.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Coming Out - The Slow Process
I made the decision to come out when I was in my 50's.
OK that is a lie, the decision was kind of made for me - OK I got caught!
Computers are a wonderful thing but you have to be careful. Hello - passwords work really well if you set them up.
Maybe I wanted to get caught. Maybe I didn't have the courage to pull the plug on my old life.
I may not have realized it but I had started my new life.
The internet opened the door of my closet. It wasn't all porn either - actually not much porn. My fascination was chatting with other closeted men on Gay.com. I know that doesn't sound very sexy but I was trying to figure myself out by talking to others that were in the same process. I guess that is the purpose of this blog.
Up to the point where I found other Late Breaking Gays on Gay.com I had felt very isolated. Duh - like I was alone in a closet!
I wasn't even sure I was gay. I kept on thinking: Maybe I was just curious, or bi-curious, or going through a phase.
After all, the insatiable urge for men seemed to come and go in waves. I would indulge myself and then I would be fine for a week or so. Of course that period of "fine" got shorter and shorter over time.
So it couldn't be that I was "GAY". I had to just be "Curious".
But I kept on coming back to one thing: When I would meet a married couple, at church or new neighbors or heaven forbid at the beach on vacation, I would be able to recall every detail about the man and nothing about the woman. Oh and if the man was cute - WOW! I remembered everything about the man. The color of his hair, the way he had it parted, the line of his jaw and OMG the package that he sported. It was like a photograph in my mind. But I couldn't tell you anything about the woman.
It was having that experience over and over again that confirmed for me that I was gay. It was a confirmation that came out the sanest moments of life not just when I was in a horny froth.
OK that is a lie, the decision was kind of made for me - OK I got caught!
Computers are a wonderful thing but you have to be careful. Hello - passwords work really well if you set them up.
Maybe I wanted to get caught. Maybe I didn't have the courage to pull the plug on my old life.
I may not have realized it but I had started my new life.
The internet opened the door of my closet. It wasn't all porn either - actually not much porn. My fascination was chatting with other closeted men on Gay.com. I know that doesn't sound very sexy but I was trying to figure myself out by talking to others that were in the same process. I guess that is the purpose of this blog.
Up to the point where I found other Late Breaking Gays on Gay.com I had felt very isolated. Duh - like I was alone in a closet!
I wasn't even sure I was gay. I kept on thinking: Maybe I was just curious, or bi-curious, or going through a phase.
After all, the insatiable urge for men seemed to come and go in waves. I would indulge myself and then I would be fine for a week or so. Of course that period of "fine" got shorter and shorter over time.
So it couldn't be that I was "GAY". I had to just be "Curious".
But I kept on coming back to one thing: When I would meet a married couple, at church or new neighbors or heaven forbid at the beach on vacation, I would be able to recall every detail about the man and nothing about the woman. Oh and if the man was cute - WOW! I remembered everything about the man. The color of his hair, the way he had it parted, the line of his jaw and OMG the package that he sported. It was like a photograph in my mind. But I couldn't tell you anything about the woman.
It was having that experience over and over again that confirmed for me that I was gay. It was a confirmation that came out the sanest moments of life not just when I was in a horny froth.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
The "Gay Lifestyle"
One of the things that was most intimidating about coming out was the "Gay Lifestyle." If I came out was I going to have to wear tight jeans and open silk shirts. I am in my 50's! That is most likely not going to be a good idea! And if I didn't - if I still dressed like a middle age straight guy, how would other "gays" know that I was one of them?
Well, as I learned, most of the time being gay isn't much different than being straight. I mean really - say you have sex every night for two hours (no I don't - maybe an average of an hour a day). That is what less than 10% of your day. OK lets not count sleeping - it is still less than 20%. And that is pretty much behind closed doors.
We live in a nice sleepy suburb of Dallas in a wonderful "Ozzie and Harriet" circa 1960's house on a corner lot with big trees. Our neighbors know we are gay and they are nice to us. We mow the yard and rake the leaves and we don't wear short shorts when we do it. Not to much different than being straight.
We go to the Tom Thumb every Saturday and the clerks know us and have figured out that we are partners and they ask about the other if one of us isn't there. Not too much different than being straight.
We go to church every Sunday morning and sing in the choir (more about that in another post). We go to the mall, we take our pets to the vet, we go to the movie - it is all so normal - no problem with gay life style!
Now - I know that there are problems out there - serious problems - and we have been lucky. What I am saying is that I was afraid that I would have to get all flamboyant to be "a gay" and that is not the case at all. I am very "Gay" when appropriate - very closted at work (more about that in another post) - but it is all me - most of the time I am not trying to hide anything -
Life is good :)
Well, as I learned, most of the time being gay isn't much different than being straight. I mean really - say you have sex every night for two hours (no I don't - maybe an average of an hour a day). That is what less than 10% of your day. OK lets not count sleeping - it is still less than 20%. And that is pretty much behind closed doors.
We live in a nice sleepy suburb of Dallas in a wonderful "Ozzie and Harriet" circa 1960's house on a corner lot with big trees. Our neighbors know we are gay and they are nice to us. We mow the yard and rake the leaves and we don't wear short shorts when we do it. Not to much different than being straight.
We go to the Tom Thumb every Saturday and the clerks know us and have figured out that we are partners and they ask about the other if one of us isn't there. Not too much different than being straight.
We go to church every Sunday morning and sing in the choir (more about that in another post). We go to the mall, we take our pets to the vet, we go to the movie - it is all so normal - no problem with gay life style!
Now - I know that there are problems out there - serious problems - and we have been lucky. What I am saying is that I was afraid that I would have to get all flamboyant to be "a gay" and that is not the case at all. I am very "Gay" when appropriate - very closted at work (more about that in another post) - but it is all me - most of the time I am not trying to hide anything -
Life is good :)
Monday, January 11, 2010
Step Children (and Grand Children)
Step Children and Grand Children - Yes – it goes with the territory.
I went from being a father of 2 to having 5 kids between us – it’s the Brady Bunch with 2 dads.
Of course for us it is pretty easy – only one of our kids lives with us – he just finished college and moved back in. He is a really good "kid" and we get along very well.
But I have friends that have teenage kids at home. I have to admire them – they still have to parent and that is two dads plus the ex-wives doing the parenting - wow what a mess.
For me it is so much about me. Or at least about me and my husband. My friends have to be good dads all the time – For me I pretty much just have to be a good Dad on a long distance phone call on Sunday afternoons.
By the way - when you start out as a breeder the kids turn into adults and they become breeders - and "poof" you are a grandparent. It doesn't exactly fit in with my self image of a "hot middle age stud" but oh well - getoverit! It would seem to be harder on my husband, his kids haven't had any kids yet so he is only a step grandparent - but he melts around my grandkids - it is so cute.
Of course then there is the whole acceptance thing. What happened with us is that when we came out to the kids they said “duh”! OK so much for hiding anything. And then you introduce the BOY FRIEND – and lo and behold the kids accept him. Why – because they have never seen Dad happier.
I went from being a father of 2 to having 5 kids between us – it’s the Brady Bunch with 2 dads.
Of course for us it is pretty easy – only one of our kids lives with us – he just finished college and moved back in. He is a really good "kid" and we get along very well.
But I have friends that have teenage kids at home. I have to admire them – they still have to parent and that is two dads plus the ex-wives doing the parenting - wow what a mess.
For me it is so much about me. Or at least about me and my husband. My friends have to be good dads all the time – For me I pretty much just have to be a good Dad on a long distance phone call on Sunday afternoons.
By the way - when you start out as a breeder the kids turn into adults and they become breeders - and "poof" you are a grandparent. It doesn't exactly fit in with my self image of a "hot middle age stud" but oh well - getoverit! It would seem to be harder on my husband, his kids haven't had any kids yet so he is only a step grandparent - but he melts around my grandkids - it is so cute.
Of course then there is the whole acceptance thing. What happened with us is that when we came out to the kids they said “duh”! OK so much for hiding anything. And then you introduce the BOY FRIEND – and lo and behold the kids accept him. Why – because they have never seen Dad happier.
Saturday, January 9, 2010
Partnering and Open Relationships
A life partner?
A husband?
NO WAY!!!!
I was married for over 30 years - to one woman - not going there again - as I said before - so many men, so much sex and so little time.
OK - so I didn't stick to that - I fell in love - what can I say. We both came into our relationship kicking and screaming - and that was besides when we were having sex.
Yes he is a Late Breaking Gay (LBG) and we both just wanted to meet and have sex with as many men as possible.
But then we found that we were soul mates. All of that I feel like we were lovers in a previous life (more about that in later posts) and more besides. We had to be together.
So we came up with the only possible solution - have it both ways!
We live as husband and husband (actually his youngest (22) is now living with us), but we have an open relationship. Our rules are pretty simple, if we are both in town we share playmates and if one of us out of town play safe (always) and share details. It is that simple and seems to be working really really well.
A husband?
NO WAY!!!!
I was married for over 30 years - to one woman - not going there again - as I said before - so many men, so much sex and so little time.
OK - so I didn't stick to that - I fell in love - what can I say. We both came into our relationship kicking and screaming - and that was besides when we were having sex.
Yes he is a Late Breaking Gay (LBG) and we both just wanted to meet and have sex with as many men as possible.
But then we found that we were soul mates. All of that I feel like we were lovers in a previous life (more about that in later posts) and more besides. We had to be together.
So we came up with the only possible solution - have it both ways!
We live as husband and husband (actually his youngest (22) is now living with us), but we have an open relationship. Our rules are pretty simple, if we are both in town we share playmates and if one of us out of town play safe (always) and share details. It is that simple and seems to be working really really well.
Forever 18
One of the most wonderful and unexpected aspects of being a Late Breaking Gay (LBG) is that, in regards to sex, I am forever 18. Really! I know that sounds pretty presumptuous but it is really like that.
This is a condition that has been confirmed by many other men. (Please feel free to comment on this here if you like.) In fact I have one friend that has a formula for every decade that you are over 30 when you come out subtract one year from 20 and that is the sexual age that you are for the rest of your life. So I was two decades past 20, so 20 - 2 = 18.
It is like all of the gay sex that I didn't get for 40 years has just been stored up. When I came out, my gay sex age was still right where it should have started. OK I will be specific about this. Not only do I want sex every day (or a couple times a day) but sex can last for hours and I have multiple (5 or 6) every time I have sex. It isn't bragging if it is a fact and I have witnesses.
So many men, so much sex, so little time.
This is a condition that has been confirmed by many other men. (Please feel free to comment on this here if you like.) In fact I have one friend that has a formula for every decade that you are over 30 when you come out subtract one year from 20 and that is the sexual age that you are for the rest of your life. So I was two decades past 20, so 20 - 2 = 18.
It is like all of the gay sex that I didn't get for 40 years has just been stored up. When I came out, my gay sex age was still right where it should have started. OK I will be specific about this. Not only do I want sex every day (or a couple times a day) but sex can last for hours and I have multiple (5 or 6) every time I have sex. It isn't bragging if it is a fact and I have witnesses.
So many men, so much sex, so little time.
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Coming out past 50
I was 53 years old when I came out.
I sometimes wish I had come out in my 20's.
But I would most likely be dead now so I suppose that is OK.
But I must confess that when I see some of the pictures of gays in the 70's I wish I had taken the dive. I would have looked good in jeans that showed off my dick and skin tight silk shirts with most of the buttons undone leaning against the door frame with a come-hither look in my eyes.
OK - maybe I wouldn't have looked all that good but I want to think I would have.
Instead I was married and starting to raise kids.
It was the kids that kept me in the closet for more than 3 decades.
Once you have a kid you have made a promise to that little bundle of joy to be there for them. So you put your own needs on the shelf - or back in the closet - and you do what has to be done.
I suspect that if you have read this far you identify with that.
When my kids were out on their own - I wanted to be out to - before I was too old to enjoy it - so I gave it all up - packed it all in and said "it is time for me!"
I haven't looked back since.
But I would most likely be dead now so I suppose that is OK.
But I must confess that when I see some of the pictures of gays in the 70's I wish I had taken the dive. I would have looked good in jeans that showed off my dick and skin tight silk shirts with most of the buttons undone leaning against the door frame with a come-hither look in my eyes.
OK - maybe I wouldn't have looked all that good but I want to think I would have.
Instead I was married and starting to raise kids.
It was the kids that kept me in the closet for more than 3 decades.
Once you have a kid you have made a promise to that little bundle of joy to be there for them. So you put your own needs on the shelf - or back in the closet - and you do what has to be done.
I suspect that if you have read this far you identify with that.
When my kids were out on their own - I wanted to be out to - before I was too old to enjoy it - so I gave it all up - packed it all in and said "it is time for me!"
I haven't looked back since.
Confessions of a Late Breaking Gay
That's me, a late breaking gay.
My definition of a LBG: Lived straight and narrow (well not all the time) for most of my life and
then came charging out of the closet late in life.
My first purpose here is to talk about that experience and my experiences since.
My second purpose is to develop a community of men who share that experience.
I think we have a lot to say to one another and I hope to grow from that sharing.
So let the story telling begin!
My definition of a LBG: Lived straight and narrow (well not all the time) for most of my life and then came charging out of the closet late in life.
My first purpose here is to talk about that experience and my experiences since.
My second purpose is to develop a community of men who share that experience.
I think we have a lot to say to one another and I hope to grow from that sharing.
So let the story telling begin!
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