Friday, November 19, 2010

One Month Anniversary

Hi, this is actually Lenny. Morris's partner...

It was one month ago today that his knee was replaced. And we had sex like teenagers. (Only they stop after they have one orgasm.) (And WE didn't!) Yay! Life is getting back to normal.

I am amazed sometimes at how wonderful my man is. We love each other very much.

I think maybe we glimpsed at how long we have been in love a couple of years ago, when we each had the same dream... (About three times each, and over the course of a couple of weeks.

We were boys about 10 and 12. I was the younger. We were play-fighting with wooden swords. We were on a cliff overlooking a blue sea. And the gravel under my left foot suddenly gave way. I was dangling off the edge of the bluff by my brother's hand. And if I had fallen, I would have been killed by falling on the rocks below.

We talked about that dream. Every detail matched. .. ...

We had already decided to have a Commitment Ceremony in front of family and friends (even though we live in Texas and the ceremony doesn't mean anything here). But I guess that was the signal and cement that I needed then and still recall as a sign that we are more than just a couple of old queens. We got lucky. We found LOVE. .. ...

Monday, November 15, 2010

Many Kinds of Courage

The courage that it takes to come out of the closet comes in many forms. Even when, as in my case and in the case of many I know, we get yanked out of the closet by our indescrection or stupidity, it takes courage to keep breathing, to take each step as it comes.

With that in mind I would like to share part of an artical from the Dallas Voice about the Annual Black Tie Dinner here in Dallas. The artical, in part, tells about Chely Wright's speach regarding coming out of the closet just this year.

For those of you who don't follow county music, fourty year old Chely Wright is an award winning American country music artist and, starting in 2010, gay rights activist.

Wright became the first major country music performer to publicly come out as gay. In television appearances and an autobiography, she cited among her reasons for publicizing her gayness a concern with bullying and hate crimes toward gays, particularly gay teenagers, and the damage to her life caused by "lying and hiding".

On May 4, 2010, Wright released both her memoir of being a closeted lesbian, Like Me, and her first album of new songs since 2005.

At the Black Tie fund raising dinner she related her life story to the crowd of over 3,000. She spoke of knowing from a young age that she was gay, and how she had struggled to keep her orientation a secret to try and earn — and later, preserve — her career in country music.

I have editied it down to just her remarks about coming out as a LBG (Late Breaking Gay.)“Living two lives is quite a chore,” Wright said, as she talked about reaching a point where “I knew something had to give,” and the cold morning in 2006 when she went so far as putting the muzzle of a 9-mm pistol in her mouth.

But instead of pulling the trigger, Wright said, she prayed to God, as she had all her life. But this time, instead of praying for God to change her, she prayed that God would “give me a moment’s peace.”

Immediately, Wright continued, “oceans and oceans of peace washed over me,” and she knew that not only would she not take her own life, but that she would come out “as a gay woman, as a proud Christian and as an advocate for youth.”

Wright, who came put publicly only six months ago, acknowledged that others in the room had spent much longer fighting for LGBT equality.

“It is a bit of a strange thing to be honored by Black Tie Diner and this esteemed group of people. I look out and see so many of you who have not been able to or who have chosen not to hide a day in your lives, and to have you applaud for me is, well, it’s surreal,” she said.

“I look to you as heroes. … You are simply amazing to me. Thank you for leading the way,” she continued. “It is certainly not lost on me that you folks in this room tonight are the reason that the movement of equality, fairness and understanding continues to evolve.”

As a Late Breaking Gay (LBG) coming out after 50, I too will always be in awe of those who have always been out.

What amazing courage.

Thanking for leading the way.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Bishop Jim Swilley

I heard an interview on NPR this afternoon with Bishop Jim Swilley. He is a pastor of a mega church in Atlanta Georgia and came out last month at 50 some years old.

I am not trying to push you into church but if you have ever worried about being gay and your faith this is worth a listen.

Paste this link into your browser to listen to his message to his congregration: http://www.livestream.com/bishopjimswilley/video?clipId=flv_c06fb65a-d284-4545-8237-775df11a2819&utm_source=lsplayer&utm_medium=ui-play&utm_campaign=click-bait&utm_content=bishopjimswilley

Saturday, November 13, 2010

Finding Your Inner Gay

There are an amazing number of ways to be gay. There is top, bottom and versatile, bisexuals, transsexuals, catchers and pitchers, fems and straight acting. Then there are bears and twinks, boys and daddies (not to mention silverdaddies.) The variations go on and on and on. Think the Mormon Tabernacle Choir times 1,000 all dressed as Village People but each one in a different costume. Yep, its a rainbow of possibilities.

There are websites and bars and chat groups that cater to nearly any variation that you can imaging. And nearly every variation on gay is a possibility for a Late Breaking Gay (LBG) coming out after 50. I don't think it takes a label to know who you are, but don't ever be afraid of who you are. And don't be afraid of growing and discovering and changing when you find aspects of that big gay universe that you enjoy.

Find your inner gay and enjoy it. You deserve it.

Friday, November 12, 2010

Settle

We have a dog. (We will keep her name anonymous.) She is a real joy and is loved dearly. She does many things that I think are brilliant but lately I have thought more about something she and almost all dogs do. She settles. You have seen a dog do this nearly every time they lay down. They circle around, looking down at the ground until they curl up and lay down.

OK, I know, so my dog isn't doing anything spectacular when she does that. But what I think is important is that I think we (as LBGs - late breaking gays) should do a little more of that.

Think about what a dog is doing when they settle down like that. They are checking out the place where they are about to lay down and if there is grass or a blanket to lay on they are making their nest. They are making sure it is safe and as comfortable as possible. As men coming out late in life we need to do the same thing. Look around and make sure that where your new life is settling is safe and comfortable.

Because we are men (not dogs) it is more complex than that, but at the core it is the same. It is not settling for something less, it is about finding that perfect spot in life. Be safe, be careful, be happy.

After all you have gone through, you owe it to yourself.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

3 Weeks and Backgammon

I don't want to turn this into a report on my health so I won't. However for those of you who don't know today is the 3rd week anniversary of my new knee and I am doing fine. I am looking forward to going back to work in a couple of weeks and life being better than it has been in years.

But I do want to say this about living and loving as a LBG (Late Breaking Gay)when things are, well shall we say, less than ideal. One of the things that almost kept me in the closet was the fear that as I got older that there would be more and more problems that would be hard for a potential partner to live with.

That is pretty realistic. When physical illness, financial troubles, emotional strain, travel demands or other issues get in the way of those perfect times together, you have to adjust. You find ways to adapt to what you can do together. Last night we played Backgammon.

Now I am not particularly good at Backgammon and most days I can find something else that I would rather do. But if a game of Backgammon is what gives us time together than that is what I want to do. I would rather have sex or go to the art galleries or go out for drink and a dinner. But when none of those is an option than I am grateful for a man who loves me enough to want to play Backgammon. I would rather play Backgammon with the man that I love than nearly anything else in the world.

Sunday, October 31, 2010

11 Day & We are Back

I want you to know that it is getting better.

Eleven days after the surgery we had sex again. It wasn't porn star sex. It wasn't our best sex by any measure but we are getting there.

It wasn't just a blow job, though it did start with some great sixty nineing. But somewhere in the middle my partner rode my cock and we both had multiple orgasms. Man-on-man did I need that.

This description isn't sexy or hot - actually it is harder to sit at the computer than to do most anything. And I'm not trying to write porn so forgive if this is kind of clinical. I just want you to know that with enough love and commitment you can have sex in the face of a lot of adversity. We were creative and caring and tender because we love each other enough to be creative and caring and tender.

It wasn't just about me overcoming a hurting knee. While I certainly had to do that, it was my lover who had to overcome a lot of things. He is the one who has to take care of me while still doing everything else that we normally do together. He has to shop and clean and cook and clean and all of the rest of those domestic chores we normally share. He also had to overcome the fear of hurting me. He also had to overcome me being a whole lot less sexy (unless you like 9 inch scares with stitches.)

It was more than sex. It was being very much in love and being there for one another when things are tough - really tough. I will never be able to find the words to express my appreciation and love for my partner.

If this is tiny sample of what it is like to get old with him then I have no fears.

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Fairy Tales

When I was a kid I loved to go the the museums and libraries in Chicago. That was when a kid could take the bus or get dropped of by a parent at the entrance and no one had to worry. I would spend hours taking in the exhibits of stuffed animals at the Field Museum or watch the stars projected on the dome at the Planetarium. But by far my favorite exhibit was (wait for it) the Fairy Castle at the Museum of Science and Industry (I know, big surprise.)

Now if you didn't know that there was a Fairy Castle at the Museum of Science and Industry in Chicago let me enlighten you (stay with me - there is a point to this). This elaborate miniature house was created by silent film star Colleen Moore in the 1930s, and was donated to the Museum of Science and Industry in 1949.

As a kid is was delighted with its tiny treasures—including murals and paintings painted by Walt Disney himself; chandeliers adorned with real diamonds, emeralds and pearls; the tiniest bible ever to be written, dating back to 1840; and ancient statues more than 2,000 years old. Horace Jackson, an architect and set designer who worked for First National Studios, created the floor plan and layout of the castle with the basic idea that "the architecture must have no sense of reality. We must invent a structure that is everybody's conception of an enchanted castle."

Moore also enlisted the help of art director and interior designer Harold Grieve. Grieve had designed the interiors for Moore's actual mansion, so he was a natural to create the interiors of her fantasy castle.

By 1935 more than 700 individuals had lent their expertise—including surgical instrument lighting specialists, Beverly Hills jewelers and Chinese jade craftsmen. The price tag for this 8'7" x 8'2" x 7'7" foot palace, containing more than 2,000 miniatures, was nearly $500,000.

The Fairy Castle is displayed behind glass, and the light, temperature and humidity in its environment are carefully controlled to ensure that the artifacts will be preserved for generations to come.

I am reminded of this wonderful Fairy Tale Castle because of two things that happened today. First I got a text from my somewhat estranged younger son. He still lives in Chicago. It has been over a year since I have seen him or talked to him. Prior to that it had been three years since I had talked to him. We had never gotten along very well during his teen years so it is no shock that he doesn't want to talk to me much now. Despite that I leave him messages most every week and I was delighted to get the brief text message where he said he loved me but he just didn't know what to say to me. I don't think his lack of interest in me has much to do with me coming out. I think he is still angry that I was tough on him as a teenager.

The other thing that happened was a very good friend got a ugly message from one of his children. His daughter blamed him for ruining their family.

This brings me back to my Fairy Castle. As LBG's (Late Breaking Gays), especially when we come out after our kids are grown, it is not unusual for kids to get mad at us because we are messing up their lives. Of course we aren't messing up their lives at all. In fact it is our lives that have been messed up for decades. We have hidden our feelings and our orientation in order to protect them. So now we come out of the closet to claim our lives and in so doing we deprive them of this fairy tale image of their parental unit. We are suppose to be, as my friend put it "Ozzie and Harriet." We are suppose to be their as the eternal parental figure that they have created in their own minds.

It is much like the Fairy Castle at the museum. If we did maintain that perfect parental image it would be "displayed behind glass ... carefully controlled to ensure that the artifacts will be preserved for generations to come.

That may be what some of our kids want but is certainly not healthy for us. You can't live or breath behind that glass. So live your own life, make your own story, even if it is a fairy tale of a different type.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Not for Sissies

My Mama always use to say “Sometimes things don’t work out the way you plan them.”

Boy was that ever an understatement.

OK so this isn’t all that big of a deal but when you do a "somewhat regular" blog like I am trying to do you should be careful what you predict is going to happen.

The last time I blogged I predicted that when my partner got back from his business trip that it was going to be a pretty hot night.

NOT!


My honey came home with a hurt back. He slipped on a paving stone walkway and has been really really sore ever since.

So for the last few days (and nights) we have not only been working around my bad knee we have been working around his bad back. We have had a couple of nights when we just crashed early. There was one night when we were both pretty creative (I found that I could of use both arms and the right leg and still do a fair imitation of a hot top for at least a while.) One night we just jacked off (haven’t done that with anyone in a very very long time).

Getting old is not for sissies. Yes I do mean gays. And I don't call gays sissies very often. And there is a reason for that. After all, in my vernacular sissies give up, sissies go "ewh", sissies say "that's not nice!"

That hasn't been my experience with gays. I have found that gays, and most especially late breaking gays (LBGs) , are strong and committed. They have worked hard to stay in the closet all those years and now have busted down the door and are out there all the way. Not necessarily in a flamboyant way, more likely in a strong, unafraid way. When you have gone through decades of being strong you don’t suddenly change just because you came out.

Granted I have found gays to have some characteristics in abundance that are more generally thought to be feminine or sissy if you will. Like love and compassion and creativity. Gee that doesn’t seem so bad.

If part of being gay is being in touch with your feminine side, (being a sissy) OK. But to assume that being in touch with your feminine side makes you weak is foolish. For example: to assume that gays give up under pressure is just plain stupid. That is why "don't ask don't tell" is crap.

It is also why gay men can be partners for life through some really tough times.

My partner and I care for each other and sacrifice for each other. If that sounds like a sissy, I don't care. I just know that I feel safe with the man that I love. I feel accepted even when I can't be everything I want to be or use to be. I feel loved even when I can't perform in bed.

I know that he will continue to love me. And love will find a way.

Clichés I know. But so is calling a gay man a sissy. My lover and I are anything but. We are both HOT HOT HOT men!

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Badge of Honor

It has been a good day.

My knee hasn’t hurt much at all today. I suspect that is because the last couple of nights we haven’t had sex.

Now for those of you who have read my blog in some detail you know that a dry spell of more than a few days is pretty unusual.

This isn’t about not having sex because of my knee.

I am totally willing to have a bad day as a small price for a great night in bed. Who wouldn’t?

We didn’t lay off of the sex because of the knee. It just happened. We had great sex over the weekend and then my partner was out of town and so I am a little more rested.

So tomorrow I limp!

Actually that limp will be a badge of honor.

Monday, October 4, 2010

The Physical

No – we weren’t playing Doctor. But now that I am thinking about it…

Where was I? Oh yes my annual physical.

I asked my partner/husband to go with me to my physical. I am calling it an “annual physical” only so you will know what kind of a doctor visit I am talking about. It isn’t like I get a physical annually. More like once a decade. I should get them more often but, what can I say, I am a guy. A gay guy, but none-the-less a guy.

Of course the real reason for the physical is the upcoming surgery. When something serious like this is happening in a person’s life you are reminded how wonderful it is to have the love and support of a partner. I’m not saying that just because he is going to read this (hi Honey). I believe, and much research has shown, that having a committed life partner keeps us happier and healthier for longer. It literally adds years to our life.

I was really struck by this the other night when watching “A Single Man”. The main character was so alone. He had been in a wonderful relationship, but his partner had died in a car accident. Now he was all alone. It was very, very sad. It may be trite and simplistic but I do believe that “everybody needs somebody.”

‘sides, going to the doctor’s office can be difficult if not traumatic and it helps to have someone along to be a second set of ears. That and my partner is going to have to put up with me being out of commission so he deserves to know all about it. So we went to the doctor together. My husband got to see the doctor check for hernias and check my prostrate. Very clinical. Most certainly not sexy.

However, and this is an aside that I may pursue in more detail in a later blog, my doctor and all of his staff are openly gay. I highly recommend that you find a gay doctor. As a LBG (Late Breaking Gay) you are almost certainly going to have some questions for your Doctor and believe me it will be easier if the doctor is gay. But I digress. Just believe me you will like having a gay Doctor.

So, back to my point, I want my partner and I to share it all, the good and the bad, the “better and worse, sickness and in health.” If that is a cliché and borrowed from heterosexual relationships then it is a good cliché and for good reasons.

Everybody needs somebody. I am glad I got mine.

Sunday, October 3, 2010

The Sex Isn't Going to be the Same for a While

I have a bad knee.

Actually I have had a bad for forty years. I have had three surgeries on that knee.

It has been OK for years but I have been living on borrowed time. Time is up and now we have to get serious. So in two weeks I get a new knee.

I am really very excited about it but there is going to be a period of adjustment. OK a really long period of adjustment. Six weeks off of work and - well, the point of this posting - I don't know how long it will affect our sex.

So far - despite significant pain and a noticeable limp - the sex hasn't changed much. The reason for that is that I have the most wonderful and considerate lover in the world. Really!

But here is what I want to do: For the next couple of months (or more as needed) I will try to post every day to let you know how the surgery and the sex are going.

Here is why I want to do this: we are all getting older. LBGs (late breaking gays) are more likely to notice this change in our bodies because, damn it, once we have come out we wish we had come out way earlier. As we get older we are going to have this kind of stuff happen. We are going to have physical challenges that affect our sexual experiences.

So, as a public service, I want to share my experience with you. I want you to know the problems and the successes.

I think my partner and I are pretty adaptable. But it isn't just my partner and I. LBGs (late breaking gays)are by there very nature very adaptable. We waited but we finally came out of the closet. The very fact that we are LBG's means we are adaptable.

The surgery is scheduled for Oct 19th. I will let you know how it is going (we are already having to be creative in bed) but there may be some days when I am a little out of it right after the surgery. In the long run I think it is going to be wonderful.

In the short run it is going to suck (see, we are adapting already).

Don't Let the Bullies Win

Why did I stay in the closet for so long? There are lots of reasons. I learned very early that it was safer in the closet than out of the closet. How could I have known this? After all I didn’t come out of the closet until I was in my fifty’s. I learned the safety of the closet by seeing the cruel way my peers treated anyone that they could get away with calling a “fag.”

In fact, in high school, I experienced some of that harassment myself. If I wore clothing that was too trendy (a pair of black and white plaid wool bell-bottom pants comes to mind) I got called a fag. I could take you right to the place in the south hall where it was said. I never wore those pants again. I wasn’t being singled out; every underclassman was harassed like this. It might have been just a universal tease but because I was struggling with my sexuality it was particularly threatening.

I also “took it on the chin” many times. “Chining” as it was called was a brief contact between the chin-er and the chin-e. The Chin-er would cup his hand as though he were stroking his cock and then briefly press the circled thumb and index finger against the chin of the chin-e (victim.) It was done very quickly and no physical harm was done but it was intended to be degrading and humiliating. There was definitely an element of aggression unspoken threat of violence. “Chining” was something that was done all the time to everyone but somehow it bothered me a great deal. I was afraid that the person who was doing it had somehow found me out and that there disdain for “fags” would turn into violent behavior toward me.

But that was then, more than forty years ago. Things are better now. Right? Well in many ways they are certainly better for me. But I am not a teenager. But kids that are struggling to be liked, fit in, be accepted are still just as fragile as I was back in High School. That struggle makes us do illogical things. For me it was to date and then marry a woman. How stupid. I liked men. That didn’t make any sense at all.

But some kids have far greater struggles than I did and do far worse things in response to those struggles. Last week, Rutgers University freshman Tyler Clementi killed himself by jumping off a bridge after his roommate secretly recorded a video of him having sex with another male student in the privacy of his dorm room. The roommate then broadcast the video online.

While this is certainly a very severe incident it is not isolated. Tyler's death was the result of rampant of anti-gay harassment. He was just one of many victims that we know of. There have been a number of recent suicides among teenagers who were ruthlessly "bullied to death."

A recent letter from Joe Solmonese of the HRC explains that “Tyler wasn't the only one. After months of relentless bullying, 13-year-old Seth Walsh hung himself from a tree outside his California home this week. Billy Lucas of Indiana was 15 years old when he hung himself after being called a "fag" over and over again. Asher Brown's classmates teased him without mercy and acted out mock gay sex acts in class, and last Thursday he shot himself in the head. He was only 13.”

Ellen DeGeneres points out that the loss of just one life is a tragedy – but this is an epidemic. We need to do something.

To that end the HRC has developed an innovative program called Welcoming Schools, that gives elementary school teachers, parents and students the country the tools to help stop the name-calling, bullying and gender stereotyping that so many students face every day. It helps kids learn respect and tolerance early on, to prevent violence later in middle and high school

We need to speak out. It is unfortunate that many who are most aware of the damage that this kind of bullying can do are the least likely to speak out because they are in the closet and afraid that somehow speaking to this subject will out them. I urge you to speak out.

The HRC suggests you contact Secretary of Education Arne Duncan. By going to federal website for the Department of education you can contact Arne Duncan (you can even do this anonymously). Ask him to improve our nation’s anti-bullying program. Speak out immediately – and to push every school anti-bullying program in the nation to include sexual orientation and gender identity like HRC's Welcoming Schools program. You can do something – we all need to do something.

Here are some of the things you can do
1. Contact Arne Duncan
2. Write a letter to the editor of your local paper.
3. Let educators and administrators in your local school district know about www.welcomingschools.org and explain why you want to see Welcoming Schools in elementary schools near you.
4. Cut and paste the address of this blog or some the contents of this blog to friends.

The more we spread the word, the better our chances of preventing another tragedy and the better we will sleep.

Don’t let the bullies win.

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Gay Theatre

This isn't about pole dancers - maybe I will go there in some other blog
 - this is about two wonderful gay themed thearter events that we have recently attended. The first one was "Before Night Falls" a world preimer opera in Fort Worth. The second one was a play called "Corpus Christy" in Dallas at the Cathedral of Hope.

I won't try to write a review (except to say I love them) or even tell you the plots etc. If you are intetrested in such I recommend http://www.theaterjones.com/ - a great source for reviews etc. I am writing this to once again observe my shock at how accepting the world is of things gay.

Before Night Falls was pretty main stream but Corpus Christy couldn't get produced in Texas till the Cathedral of Hope offered its space. Even at that there were police outside incase there were protests. There weren't any but just in case.

As a LBG (late breaking gay) I am amazed and pleased that it is so easy to be gay. Now I know it hasn't always been and isn't all places and times and we are careful about that. But certianly I shouldn't have stayed in the closet as long as I did.

The Parent's Chairs

Yesterday there was a family party, and I got to sit in the Parent's Chairs.

It was my partner's son-in-law's 30th birthday. His wife (my partner's daughter in case you aren't following yet) threw a surprise birthday party for him. My partner and I hauled the barbecue grill she bought him from HomeDepot and we hauled in chairs and table etc. You know the routine.

What struck me was how normal it all seemed. If you have been reading my blogs you know that I am often struck by how normal my life is. When I was in the closet I was afraid that coming out would ruin my life. Well, to my surprise, coming out has perfected my life.

So now, at the family party, I sit in the Parent's Chairs. You know the chairs, the row of chairs set way back out on the lawn in the deep shade. Close enough to still be a part of every thing but far enough away from the kids at play so as to not be pestered.

As I grew up I never saw my self being relegated to the role of elder, but yesterday it didn't feel like I was being pushed to one side, it felt like I was being respected. And as a LBG (Late Breaking Gay) I was surprised. It wasn't that I stayed in the closet because I was afraid I would never be promoted to the "Parent's Chairs" but now that I am, it feels good to be "normal".

Matching Pearls

My partner and I got invited to a wedding a couple of weeks ago. Of course it is always nice to be invited to a party. But honestly I have never really enjoyed being a guest at a wedding.

For one thing I am a guy - a gay guy but somethings are the same no matter what team you bat for. Weddings are, and this is a fact, for the bride not the groom. It is the little girl who dreams of what her wedding will be like, not the little boy. OK - maybe some gay boys but not me.

That being said I had a wedding when I was twenty years old. It was suppose to be a church wedding but my folks didn't approve so we eloped and got married in a friends living room with a total of three people in attendance. For more than three decades I celebrated that wedding. Yet every time I would attend a wedding a part of me was struggling. As those vows were taken I was of course examining my own vows. It wasn't always pretty.

So to this day I am a sceptic at a wedding. Statistically 50% of all weddings end in divorce. As LBGs (Late Breaking Gays) my partner and I have both been divorced. Certainly we could ask :Why would anyone want to get married?" Of course the answer is Love!

When my partner and I got married (the one wedding I felt completely right at) we did it so that our friends and family knew how much we loved each other. Other than that nothing explains getting married.

When my partner told me about the invitation to the wedding I was a little conflicted. The happy couple was the daughter and fiance of his assistant at work. I had never met any of them and my partner is not out at work and I didn't want to get him outed at work.

Despite that I love to be with him and so, being as we are gay, three weeks before the happy event we stood in the closet to pick out our outfits. We choose light color suits for a summer wedding and on we went to what color shirts and ties we would wear.

There in the closet it suddenly it occurred to me that we might be the token gays at the wedding. If that was the case how modern and inclusive of them.

We should have worn matching pearls.

But that isn't our thing.

Saturday, April 17, 2010

Visitation Rights

I am for expanding gay rights.

We should not be treated as second class citizens.

I pay my taxes just like the next guy so I should have just as many rights.

And as a LBG (Late Breaking Gay) I am far more aware of the rights that I lost when I came out of the closet.

But, and call me inpatient if you want, the recent memo from President Obama giving same sex couples hospital visitation rights seems like an awfully small step.

Actually the memo is instructing hospitals to let everyone have anyone (same sex partner or whatever) they wanted visit or speak for their wishes when they can't. It wasn't primarily for gays but the gay community seems to have claimed it.

Don't get me wrong - it is a good thing - but I fear that the government may feel like they threw the gay community a bone and expect us to chew on it and be quite. I hope we stay loud and proud. We have a long way to go.

The X Got Remarried

My X wife got remarried.

That’s it. No drama, no trauma.

My X didn’t tell me. My kids didn’t tell me. My Mother told me almost in passing. She saw her picture on Facebook holding a bouquet with a new last name.

It is a non-event.

And yet – somehow I felt bad. Maybe guilty that I wasn’t who I thought I was or who I promised that I would be.

I should be glad that she has found happiness and stability after what I did to her life. And I am. Yet – it makes the pain of walking away from that life – even though it was a lie of a life – it makes the pain fresh again.

I love my new life – but as a LBG (Late Breaking Gay) I must say that more than 30 years in the closet are very hard on a person. Coming out, as they say “better late than never”, is the best thing that a person can do for themselves. But being a LBG (Late Breaking Gay) isn't for sissy's. OK - too cute. But seriously coming out late in life can most certainly leave some deep scars.

But the scars will heal in the sunshine of honesty about self and the fresh air that isn’t poisoned by lies.

Saturday, March 20, 2010

Family of Choice

Family shit happens. I think this is particularly so for a LBG (Late Breaking Gay). We all knew that the shit was going to hit the fan when we came out of the closet. Someone or several someones in your family will get upset. Someone is going to be unhappy or hurt or critical or try to fix you or at the very least, someone is not going to understand.

People's reaction after you come out isn’t forever and I am not suggesting that you need to abandon any hopes of having family after you came out but sometimes people just don’t deal well with a married man coming out.

For a teenager who is coming out this can be a terrifying time and is often dealt with very badly by one or more of their parents. Of course LBG’s (late breaking gays) are grownups and hopefully can better deal with that kind of rejection. Besides, we normally have a long time to worry about how everyone is going to react. We may even find that most folks reaction isn’t as bad as we thought it was going to be. But some will react badly.

Just as an example and the event that precipitated this particular blog: my brother called me last night. It was the first time I had talked to him in twenty years. I don’t know why he didn’t talk to me all that time and I don’t know why he called this time. I have tried to contact him before and then I gave up.

We weren’t close when we were little. He was two years older than me and bigger than me and he liked to beat up on me. But when we grew up and got married and had kids our families would get together and we got along fairly well. But then I moved my family to Minnesota and he moved his family to Texas and then he was divorced and then he just dropped off of the face of the earth. He didn’t stay in touch with his kids or anyone else in the family.

Now I have always speculated that he and I were both molested when we were kids and he just reacted differently than I did. I may never know. But I am sharing all of this because we need family and sometimes as gays, especially LBGs (Late Breaking Gays) we may need to turn to “family of choice.”

I think this is imperative for a LBG (Late Breaking Gays). We need family, oh we may be burned out and maybe we just need some alone time. Maybe we need time with that new special someone but we also need family.

Families love unconditionally. Family accepts us warts and all. Family is there when we need help.

So it may be that your new “family of choice” is friends from the neighborhood or church friends or your partner or a mixture, but you need them.

Take the time to find your familty of choice and cultivate them and make them real family.

You deserve it buddy.

Sunday, March 14, 2010

Legal Considerations for Late Breaking Gays

Yes, as a LBG (late breaking gay) there are a few things that you need to talk to a lawyer about. This will cost you a little but you need to get this stuff done.

And here is why:

1) You need to cut the x-wife out of the will if you die,

2) you need to not be a burden on your kids if you get sick and can't speak for yourself, and

3) you need to make that relationship with your new partner as legal as the current law will allow.

Now number 3 may have to wait till you do have a partner but number 1 and 2 can't wait. Just do it.

Remember that no matter how committed you and your partner are, the law considers you perfect strangers. At risk of sounding like your Mother "you could get hit by a truck." Without this paperwork that person that you love so much is going to go through an even worse nightmare if you do get hit by that proverbial truck.

He will not be able to speak for you or handle your finances or even make a single decision about your care or even your burial. All of that stuff was automatic when you were married. None of those rights exist when it is two men or two women in a relationship.

So, put it all down in writting and you get a lot of those rights back. Here is nutshell are the things that you need to get done.

1) New Will - pretty straight forward, you take what you have after you gave up everything in the divorce and you leave it to your kids and/or partner.

2) Durable Power of Attorney - this gives someone (your partner or if you aren't there yet I suggest the one kid that is still talking to you) the ability to speak on your behalf regarding just about anything other than medical issues when you can't because of illness. This enables your designee to pay your bills, taxes etc. You give them specific directions on broad guidelines but they have to follow them. You may be more in charge than you ever where before in your life.

3) Medical Power of Attorney - yes this tells that special someone that he or she has the power to pull the plug. Nothing says I love you like a Medical Power of Attorney.

4) Advance Directive - this spells out what the designee under the Medical Power of Attorney should do and when. It keeps you in charge to the end and keeps the end from being strung out.

5)Declaration of Guardian - allows you to determine in advance who will be your legal guardian if you should ever need one.

6) HIPAA Release - the federal law known as HIPAA keeps your medical information private. You need this release to allow any medical practitioner to discuss your medical condition with your partner.

7) Appointment of Agent to Control Disposition of Remains - yep - just like it sounds.

Don't try to do this on line. I know there are ads for this right here on this page but you need to get a good gay lawyer, not a straight lawyer, and discuss what you want.

When the attorney has the paper work done invite some friends over for dinner to be the legal witnesses. Break out the good china and a good bottle of wine and make it a ceremoney. After all you are gay.

Afterwards you need copies for you, your partner, for your attorney. Next scan everything as a pdf and put it on a thumb drive and put it on your key chain.

But just do it! Now!

Urgent Care

Last night I had to take my partner to the doctor. Actually in this case it was an "Urgent Care" facility. One of those "Doc-In-A-Box" facilities. They aren't emergency rooms but they do take patients on a walk in basis and can do x-rays and simple lab tests.

Now taking someone to the doctor is no new experience for me. My wife and I raised two kids. You spend your share of time in a doctors office or emergency room. But this was my first experience as a late breaking gay introducing myself to the medical staff as "his partner."

If it wasn't so important to get him medical attention I would have been more apprehensive about it. Instead adrenaline kicked in and I just took him. Had I thought I would have worried about what they would say or if they would let me be in the exam room with him etc. Instead I just did what needed to be done (which was get him there and be with him) and I found to my delight that the staff treated us just like anyone else.

With this one exception. As the doctor was telling us (and I do mean us) the results of his diagnosis he said that my partner needed to be watched carefully because his condition could worsen and he might need to be taken to the hospital for IV fluid. We were both listening quietly but then after a few moments talking about other aspects of treatment he came back to this point: my partner needed to be monitored closely for the next 24 hours.

I responded that I would watch him very carefully. The Doctor smiled at me and said "I was hoping you would say that." He wasn't being judgemental of our relationship. He didn't doubt my commitment to my partner. He just didn't know. For the Doctor, as a heterosexual man, there was a question in his mind regarding what it meant for us to be partners. As a doctor he wanted to make sure that his patient was properly cared for.

It all went well. My partner is recovering nicely and my faith in straight people has been strengthened. However, this side note, the doctor needs to reconsider what size scrub medical pants he wears. One or two sizes larger would make his package a little less obvious. I mean OMG buddy, I am impressed, but not right now.

Friday, March 12, 2010

Gaydar

How good is your “gaydar”?

I know that mine isn’t as good as some others. I think that may be because, as a late breaking gay I kind of suppressed it most of my life. Maybe it was more like denying it and maybe I just was never good at it. Since I came out though I have learned that gaydar might have to do with location. Lets look at some examples

Try to imagine you’re in these situations and let’s measure your Gaydar.

1.You meet a perfect stranger in a men’s clothing store. There is a glance and a smile across the sale rack. Is he gay or just being friendly?

The analysis:

a. Is he checking you out? (Are his eyes sweeping from head to toe and back again and is there a pause at your package?

b. Is there a little smile of appreciation as he does this?

c. Is he “adjusting his package” as he does this?

So how many of these did you pick up on?

3 correct: you have excellent gaydar

2 correct: you jacked off in the shower this morning

1 correct: you need a Seeing Eye dog

Next

2. You meet a perfect stranger in a gay bar and there is a glance and a smile at the bar. Is he flirting or just begging to be taken home?

The analysis:

a. Did he check you out from across the room?

b. Is he staring into your eyes?

c. Is he adjusting your package as he does this?

So how many of these did you pick up on?

3 correct: you have gaydar

2 correct: you are drunk

1 correct: you are blind drunk

Next

3. You meet a perfect stranger in a bath house steam room. There is a glance and a smile through the steam. Is he flirting or just begging to be sucked?

The analysis:

a. Is he waiving his dick in your face?

b. Does he have your dick in his hand?

c. Is sucking on your nuts?

So how many of these did you pick up on?

3 correct: OMG

2 correct: could care less

1 correct: don’t need gaydar

SOOOOO - I guess you could say that gaydar is situational. I guess my gaydar will get better if I just spend more time in the right places.

Sunday, March 7, 2010

Perfect Lovers

What would your perfect lover be like? How would you know your perfect lover if you met him on the street? What would he look like? Sound like? Smell like? Taste like? Feel like?

Of course you wouldn’t know him if you haven’t met him yet. But once you know him you would recognize him anywhere. You would recognize him from the curve of his ass as he walks down the street or the sound of his laughter in a crowded room.

Your perfect lover starts out as a perfect stranger. The road between stranger and lover can be short or long, simple or complex. But it is a road of discovery. You discover things about your lover but perhaps most importantly you discover things about yourself. It is that discovering that is the process of not just finding your perfect lover but really becoming his perfect lover.

Finding your perfect lover is really becoming the perfect lover. It is finding in yourself, and in your lover, those places that fit together perfectly. When you find those places you celebrate them and you cultivate them.

My lover calls it “complementary skills.” You and your lover discover those skills in each other and you use them and draw on them to please each other. You and your lover grow closer and closer until your lives and your love are really one. You discover where he loves to be touched and you learn to love to touch him there. You do this because it brings him joy. All the while your lover is doing the same for you.

That is how you find your perfect lover: you become a perfect lover yourself.

Of course we are never perfect. Thankfully, love pushes us to strive for perfection.

Saturday, March 6, 2010

LBG: The Origin of the Phrase


I don't want you to think that I invented the term "Late Breaking Gays".
It was apperently first coined by Mark Penn, co-author of "Microtrends: The Small Forces Behind Tomorrow's Big Changes."
Mr. Penn is a pollster and is best known for pegging "soccer moms" as a key part of President Bill Clinton's '96 re-election campaign. Penn also served as Hillary Clinton's chief political adviser on her run for president.

His theory is that in today's splintered society there are all these social subsets that, even though each subset makes up about 1 percent of the population (that's about 3 million people), they are potentially powerful.

One of the these subsets that he identifies is Late-breaking gays. Penn says that there are some where around 2.5 million of us LBGs.

So thanks to Mr. Penn for noticing. Now how do we bring all that power to bear?

Try it. You'll like it.

OK this time your mind is in the same gutter as mine. Of course it isn't a gutter at all, its a banquet and we should, within the limits of safety, try it all.

Now personal taste is important, but after all we are gay, so we like some things that the straight world doesn't. Although, let me say this, everyone but lesbians like dick. Straight people and gay men all like dick. Hell even lesbians like a dildo. But there is more than sticking dick into a hole.

Some things are an acquired taste and sometimes quite worth the effort. If you like oysters or artichokes you know what I mean. Someone had to say "Try it. You'll like it."

Now some things you only want to do with a partner you know is safe and will keep you safe, but come on dude, life is a banquet, don't leave hungry. If you are right handed try your left. Try leather. Try a little lace. Try bondage. Try it in the woods. Try shower sex. Try toys. Try rimming. Try it standing up and sitting down. Try it in a sling. Try it all.
You might find something that becomes a favorite and you may find things that really turn you off. But keep experimenting. You want to have a varied diet at the table and in the bedroom. Besides, having a repertoire of things that you and your partner enjoy will do wonders for your relationship both in and out of bed.

So, bottom line, (he he) if you are a top, learn to bottom. At least for your partner. Relax and take it slow, this isn't something you are going to love in one sitting (as it were.) It may take a few toys and self experimentation. In the end, (I can't help myself) it will even help you as a top because now you will know what you partner is feeling when he is bottoming for you.

Trust me - it is awesome.

Different Strokes

No - not kind of stroke! I am talking about how we become LBGs (Late Breaking Gays) and how we express being gay.

Last weekend we went to a wonderful get together out of state. There we met a couple of dozen of gay and bi men from all over the country. I was going to write a terribly detailed (blow by blow) account of the weekend. But in the end I came away with something far more valuable. I was reminded that we all come to this point in our lives via many different paths and that we express our sexuality in diverse ways.

One guy told me that he knew he was gay at birth. He says that when the doctor slapped him on the ass he said "I like that! do it again!" He has been with his current partner for more than 15 years.

Another guy says that he isn't out and has no intention of ever coming out. This is a guy in his 60's. He isn't married and has been very successful in business. He has a active sexual life when he wants it but when he is home he is closeted.

Some of the guys were a little effeminate but most were just average guys. If you met any of them going down the street there would have been little to set off the gaydar.

Despite the stereotypes, just as there is no universal way for gays to dress or talk or walk, there is now universal way to discover you are gay or to express being gay. I have met gay men and bisexual men that don't have sex with other men. They don't need it. Just because they are attracted to men physically doesn't require them to have sex with them. Now that one does puzzle me but I respect it.

I use to subscribe to the Kinsian continuum theory that we all fall somewhere along a line between straight and gay. I have learned that life and sexuality is way to rich and complex to get stereotyped.

I do believe that you need to know yourself and that when you know yourself, you will be happier when you are honest with the rest of the world. But I 'm not sure that means that you should pin yourself down to a particular definition or label of your sexuality.

Good grief if every snowflake is different and no two people in the world have the same list of music on their IPod, then why should our sex lives be any less diverse and rich.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Eternal Love

Do you believe in eternal love? I do!

On Valentines Day my partner and I watched The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. As I am sure you know this wonderful movie is about a man who ages in reverse.

Or is it?

It isn’t about time at all!

It is really about loosing everything and in the process discovering what is really important.

Time isn’t an illusion, it is real. It changes everything. Over time we are always loosing everything; we just don’t want to recognize that. We don’t want to deal with it. We either want to stop time or reverse it or dash forward to something else. But the reality is that we are simply here in the moment.

I know, that the love that my partner share is eternal. Oh yea – we met on a certain day, and someday death will separate us. But I know that we have known each other in previous lives and will be with each other again in lives to come. It is just a fact. But it has nothing to do with time. It has to do with what is important.

So, my commitment is to live in the moment. I will cherish all that has gone before and have great hope for what will be, but I will take each day as it comes and make the most of it.

I am so glad for each moment that I have with the man that I love. I know that because it is really important it will last forever.

Fat Tuesday into Ash Wednesday

My nephew was born on Fat Tuesday. I hope that when he is a young man I am still around to remind him of that. And I hope that I still remember that.

Not having been raised a catholic or ever having lived in the south before I have never been very aware of the significance of these days. For me Mardi Gras was something that happened way down in New Orleans. Seemed like a nice parade but that was about it.

But as a LBG (Late Breaking Gay) these two days have taken on a lot of significance. These are the days of loss and renewed life, of a life of self that gets redeemed. It still seems backwards to me – all that decadence on Tuesday and all that repentance on Wednesday. But yet it is the sense of death and the assurance of rebirth associated with the start of lent that really touches my heart.

When I came out it was with the full knowledge that it would cost me everything. My old life was going to be gone and I had no idea what, if any, kind of life I would have afterwards. But my old life was dead so I had no choice.

The world loves a good come back story: Phoenix rising, Chicago burning and the destruction of New Orleans by Katrina, Rocky. We want the underdog to come back and win. It is the story of the butterfly emerging from the cocoon.

Like so many other LBG (Late Breaking Gay) men, I had married, settled in the burbs and raised the kids. All along I had denied, even buried my own desires. But the day came when the math no longer made any sense. I was giving more than I was giving and if I stayed on that hetro road I would loose myself completely. I had to escape. At first I tried to hide it but I am not that kind of person. I could not lie.

I could be gay, but I could not lie any more.

All he lights went out - life stopped - no breathing - no pulse.

DOA.

And then something miraculous happened.

I was reborn as a gay man.

And even more miraculous than that was that there was more than just life on the other side.

There was love.

The last line of the pastor’s Ash Wednesday sermon was a redo of the traditional “You are dust and to dust you will return.” She said “You are loved and to love you will return.”

As a LBG (Late Breaking Gay) I get that. Oh yea, I get that!.

Yes – I am a butterfly – now that’s gay!

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Life Goes On

The family tree continues to sprout more branches.

My newest grand nephew was born last night.

I am a very lucky man. I have two sons, two step sons, one step daughter, four grandsons, two nieces, three grand nieces and now one grand nephew.

Last night as my partner and I stood in a hospital to welcome this newest member of the family the world looked awfully good.

I suppose that before man could walk fully upright there has been that tender moment when the extended family gathered around the newest addition to the family and marveled at the start of a new life. Last night we gathered in a hospital room instead of around a fire in a cave but there is no less wonder or joy.

This little bundle of joy is the essence of hope and the fulfillment of promise. All pink and perfect, the continuation of the blood of our fathers and mothers back across time and out into an unseen future. For the moment he has no limits, no dream is too high, his life is full of powerful potential.

As his life begins, we of his family, his tribe if you will, offer our blessings and call on God to also bless. It is an old ritual with real meaning. As you see him take his first breaths, you cannot help but believe in the God given miracle that he represents.

As we looked around the room and saw represented there the many and divergent strains of life that make up his/our family, four generations of straight, gay, single parent, divorced, widowed, black and white, it was impossible not to believe that this new addition will have a rich and wonderful life.

May all of my family grow strong, live long and love well.

Saturday, February 13, 2010

If Your Erection Lasts Less Than Four Hours...

ask for your money back!

Just kidding of course. Four hours is a long time. Like running a marathon actually. But oh-la-la what a run!

Sex is many wonderful things. It is pleasure at it purest. It is time away from the rest of the world and its stresses. It is time to be focused on just you and your partner and what makes you both feel really really good. And it gives a release that lasts and lasts. Endorphins or something.

But sex is, or I think should be, a hobby. I have had a few hobbies in my life. There was stamp collecting and coin collecting and once I built a 3 foot model of the Eiffel Tower from toothpicks (that hobby didn't last long). None of that compares to sex.

Unfortunately I don't think many people see sex as a hobby. With a hobby you get all the tools and toys to do it right. You read up on your hobby. You join clubs to meet other people who enjoy your hobby. Heaven forbid civilized Americans would do any of that! When we do it is all a great secret. You don't talk about that hobby at a cocktail party.

Sex really is like running or swimming or some other athletic hobby. Sex done right takes stamina and focus. Yet I see so many people who can't walk up a flight of steps let alone fuck for hours several times a week. Those same people either bitch about their sex lives or have completely written them off. Please! If you only knew you would spend the time at the gym so you could have time in the sack.

Of course there is more to it than being athletic. We watched the opening ceremonies of the Winter Olympics last night. Some of the men are soooooo hot. Not that the Winter Olympics shows off skin like the Summer Olympics (watching those when I was still in the closet was one of my dirtiest little secrets) but those speed skaters skin suits do raise my pulse a bit. And yet, as hot as any of those men might be in a post gold medal award role in the hay, they would still have to know how to make love.

Of course I would be glad to be their coach in that regard.

Making love, now that is a hobby!

Monday, February 8, 2010

Ticky Tacky Boxes

Do you remember the song "Little Boxes" from the early 60's that makes fun of the development of suburbia?

Little boxes on the hillside,
Little boxes made of ticky tacky,
Little boxes on the hillside,
Little boxes all the same.

There's a green one and a pink one
And a blue one and a yellow one,
And they're all made out of ticky tacky
And they all look just the same.

And the people in the houses
All went to the university,
Where they were put in boxes
And they came out all the same,

And there's doctors and lawyers,
And business executives,
And they're all made out of ticky tacky
And they all look just the same.

And they all play on the golf course
And drink their martinis dry,
And they all have pretty children
And the children go to school,

And the children go to summer camp
And then to the university,
Where they are put in boxes
And they come out all the same.

And the boys go into business
And marry and raise a family
In boxes made of ticky tacky
And they all look just the same.

There's a green one and a pink one
And a blue one and a yellow one,
And they're all made out of ticky tacky
And they all look just the same.

My life before I came out was all ticky tacky. I bought into the only life I knew. It wasn't bad. It just wasn't well thought out. Not because I wasn't thinking about it but because I didn't know there were any other choices.

In ancient Greece young men spent several years being mentored by older men. That relationship was gay. When the young men grew to maturity they would marry and have children and then go on to mentor and have gay relationships with the next generation of young men. I am not suggesting that we should have that kind of society. But it points out that there are many other ways to live.

My point is that we should have the space, time and options to learn ourselves and then and only then choose the life that fits our needs. "Know thy self" first - didn't someone say that - oh yea it was the ancient Greeks.

Today is different. There are lots of other choices. I am encouraged that the young men and women of the new generations can make many other choices. I wish them well.

I am lucky that at long last I do know myself and have chosen well.

Friday, February 5, 2010

Mixed Signals

The left turn blinker has been on for the last ten miles.

You have been there - they are going just below the posted speed limit on a curvy two land country road. Driving behind them is infuriating. You just wanted them to do something, anything, just get out of your way. But mile after mile they travel, oblivious to the mixed signals that they are sending to everyone around them.

Being a LBG (late breaking gay) is kind of like that.

You go down the road of life giving mixed signals and you don’t even realize it. When you finally make that long delayed left turn it is a relief for many people who were traveling with you.

For me it was my Mother who said “Duh!”

For my partner it was his kids who said "Duh!"

But it wasn't just me giving mixed signals. Before I came out it seemed like I was getting mixed signals. I enjoyed sex with my wife (maybe I was determined to enjoy it). But I also enjoyed checking out good looking men and later chatting on line with men and then finally playing with men.

In my brain, all of the signals were getting mixed up. Man it is a wonder that
I survived.

It took a long time and I was changing - becoming more and more aware of my interest, even passion for men. But during that transition period it was all mixed signals.

I was flashing my left blinker but just kept on moving straight ahead.

For everyone's sake, including mine, I am glad I finally made that long awaited left turn.

Sunday, January 31, 2010

Politics

Last night my husband took me to a mixer for a local candidate for state rep.

My husband is a lot more political than I am. We share the same political views but I have just never been very active. I generally know the candidates and try to be informed but he is an encyclopedia of knowledge on politics from Nixon to now. I admire that but it is hard to catch up sometimes.

But last night I saw politics in a new light. We had been invited to attend this meeting by our neighbors. Straight neighbors. And while we were there we visited with several of our straight neighbors about the candidate and about our kids. It was all very "normal." We just happened to be the gay couple in the crowd.

Now I am 6'3" and my husband is 5'11" so we don't exactly disappear into the crowd. So when the candidate came around glad handing I think she pretty much had me/us figured out. When she asked what issues I had concerns about I asked what her position was on the defense of marriage act. Her response was enthusiastic and positive. She said she was Roman Catholic but that she felt it was a basic right for people to be able to marry whomever they wanted to marry.

Of course this particular candidate may or may not win this election. Besides that, if she won she wouldn't really be able to do much about DOMA as a state rep. That is not the point of my comments. The point is that one of the things that gays need to do is get directly involved in the political process. It will change things.

One of the things that made last night important is that this all took place in a very hetro suburb. It is my observation that LBGs (late breaking gays) are more likely to stay out in the suburbs than to move to the gay ghetto. Because of this the LBGs (late breaking gays) have a better chance of making a difference in the mind of their neighbors and politicians by their very presence and by their involvement. It is a better edge than the 20 somethings in the gay ghetto.

A lot of the LBGs (late breaking gays) are well educated and have been successful in their careers. Many of them are doctors and lawyers and entrepreneurs. To a politician they could be a powerful ally. I think the potential to change the way the world and politicians see gays may be greatly improved by the LBGs (late breaking gays). All we need to do is be unafraid in our communities and yes, even active in politics.

So last night we brought a sign home.

We put it on the corner of our corner lot.

Then we went in and had great "post political meeting sex."

I kind of like this political activist thing.

Saturday, January 30, 2010

Don't Ask - Don't Tell

With all due respect to gay men and women who serve in our armed forces - this is not about them.

I have the utmost respect for the difficult situation that gay and lesbian military men and women find themselves in - they can't be honest about who they are because of an undeserved homophobia. That isn't right. Good God people - just because a person is gay doesn't mean he can't do his job - including pulling a trigger if he or she has to. I respect that and appreciate what the military does - I don't think I could.

I think the really big problem with the military and gays isn't about the fox hole, it is the bunk room, locker room and shower room. It is all about someone checking out their bits! The closest that I ever got to their experience was in the locker room. I see it to this day at the gym - some people are totally comfortable about being seen naked - but most are a little shy.

The most vivid and outrageous example I ever saw of this was in High School. I was a sophomore on the swimming team and we wore Speedos (nylon in those days) and had a gang shower. The seniors were so good looking but I looked like a refuge from a concentration camp. The seniors were also a horny bunch and would be very provocative. When practice was over the dive team would sometimes strip down (they had Lycra Speedos) and dive and swim naked. Some of the seniors would jack themselves in the gang shower (the better to show off how big their dicks were) in front of everyone. The coach would come in and yell at them. I was both fascinated and terrified by the whole thing. I wanted to watch but I would get harder than a rock if I watched. I would pretty much just run to my locker and get dressed as fast as I could and get the hell out of there.

Today I experience that whole "Don't Ask - Don't Tell" thing at work. I work for a very nice company that is owned by Christian fundamentalist. They even have a nice bible study every Thursday at lunch. If I came out I would get fired. Oh not for being gay - it would be for some other reason - but I would get fired.

So, despite a real desire, even a real need to be honest about who I am - I can't tell. I need the money. I take my lunch most of the time and people always ask if my wife fixed it. My answer "It was a joint effort - I cleaned up." That gets a laugh and they leave me alone. But the truth is: I would love to tell them "My husband is a great cook." But I can't.

Is it fair? No! But life isn't ever going to be fair. I am glad that we live a very open life style in most respects - but it is unfortunate that so many gay people have to stay in the closet when they go to work. I think everyone looses. Maybe even the military.

Friendship

I was never very good at making friends when I was in the closet.

I was afraid they would figure me out. That's a laugh since I hadn't figured myself out yet. But I was afraid that if I said the wrong thing or gave an obvious glance to another man that it would give me away. And of course if I became really good friends with someone then we might talk about what we thought or how we felt. I was afraid that if I got really honest with someone that I would undoubtedly just blurt out something gay. I know, "How stupid!"

The real problem was of course that I wasn't being honest with myself about being gay. If I became really good friends with someone I would want to be really honest. More than anything I wanted to just be me, not someone that I was pretending to be. I had my straight persona pretty well figured out but not my gay self that I kept in the closet.

It's kind of like Superman. Clark Kent is this mil toast guy without friends because he can't let anyone know that he is wearing tights under that cheap suit. But Superman is all Lycra stretched over a hot body and an obvious package under a Speedo. Of all of Superman's powers, more than anything, I liked his underwear the best. Man-o-man how I wanted to be Superman. He was just so,Gay!

Of course I did have friends before I came out. Unfortuantly most of them were through work or church. Great! I didn't dare being "discovered" in either situation. You kno,w looking back on it, being discovered was as much about me discovering my own "gayness" as it was others figuring it out. I was trying to avoid both.

After spending all of my adult avoiding being too close to other men, it is an adjustment to want to be close now. And yet I am reassured by something that happened just today. Last night someone hacked into my gmail account and started sending emails to everyone in my address book telling them that I was on vacation in England and had been robbed and needed money to get home. As a result the phone started ringing at 7:30 this morning.

I was not in the mood - Friday night had gone into Saturday morning and all I wanted to do was sleep in. Instead I spent half of my Saturday fielding calls from friends that wanted to make sure everything was OK and dealing with the email service company.

The take away was this (and I will quote a friend that called just a few moment ago) "just remember that a lot of people love you and care for you." How reassuring is that?

It is possible, after living most of your life with confusion and lies, to come out of the closet and find out that you are a very likable and even loveable person - even if you are gay? Not just yes, HELL YES! And lucky me - I am now married to my best friend! How wonderful is that?

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Sex School

Do you have a degree in sex?

Did you take any classes in sex?

Oh I’m not talking about “sex education” in High School. That was a joke!

What is it about sex? We can take classes in ceramics or German or take educational vacations to immerse ourselves in a foreign culture. But how do you learn sex?

Of course most people learn sex by experimentation. But that doesn’t make sense. Even in a heterosexual relationship, don’t you want to be the perfect lover? How are you going to be even a adequate lover (yuck) if you have never had sex before and have never learned how to have sex?

There is this terrible assumption that sex is so instinctive that you don’t need any instruction. If you can figure out what hole to put it in you are going to be just fine. WHAT BULLSHIT! That means making lots of mistakes in one of the most important and fulfilling parts of our lives. That seems pretty stupid.

Of course you can watch porn or read “Joy of Sex”. Actually you could watch porn on the net 24/7 and never repeat in a year. And then there are tons of books and magazines that deal with sex. Even at the grocery store check out line the magazines (Cosmo and Men's Health come to mind) say right on th cover that they have lists of "secret" tips on how to please your partner.

I suppose that is better than nothing. But when I go to the gym I can get the assistance of a personal coach – hell I can hire one to come out to the house. Why can’t I get a personal coach for sex?

In India they have the Kama Sutra and in some Arab cultures I understand that fathers teach their sons how to jack off. But in our nice puritanical American culture you are left to pick up technique in the locker room.

Does it make sense that you can hire a sex therapist if you have trouble or go to a sex addiction clinic if you are in over your head? (thanks Tiger – I can’t imagine what those sessions are like.) But you can’t get trained before you start having sex! Hell, you have to pass a test to get a driver’s license, why not to have sex – the world would be a better place.

Now let me take this home – if you will – how does a middle age man, just coming out of the closet, figure out gay sex? Once again you could assume that all you have to do is find the right hole. But how do you learn how to give a blow job or how to suck balls or how to eat ass or how to be a top or how to be a bottom? How do you learn those things?

Now don’t get me wrong, lots and lots of experimentation with lots of lovers has its “up” side. But I have one other suggestion, talk to and listen to your lover. Go ahead, talk about the sex. Ask questions. “What felt good?” “What would you like to try?” “What have you done with other guys you would like to try with me?” Watch porn together and ask “Would you like to try that?”

If you have an open relationship like my partner and I have, pay attention to what he enjoys in a 3 way. And I know this one is tough, but listen when he describes the sex he had with someone while he was away on business. It would be easy to be jealous or insecure, but I suggest that if you talk about sex you and your partner have had with others, it will help you find out what really turns you and your partner on.

Open relationships can screw up people who aren’t honest. Or it can bring new levels of passion to a relationship. It can take you and your partner from predictable to “rock star.” Now that is sex school!

Monday, January 25, 2010

Cheating

What does it mean to cheat, to be a cheater?

According to Webster's dictionary cheating means:
1 : to deprive of something valuable by the use of deceit or fraud
2 : to influence or lead by deceit, trick, or artifice
3 : to elude or thwart by or as if by outwitting
intransitive verb
1 a : to practice fraud or trickery b : to violate rules dishonestly
2 : to be sexually unfaithful —usually used with on



So I was a cheater: I violated rules (a promise) and I was sexually unfaithful.

Yes, all of that. I made a promise to be faithful and I wasn't.

But if it is any consolation I guess my crime is intransitive, (Webster goes on to say that intransitive means: not transitive; especially : characterized by not having or containing a direct object). For me there was no object. I didn't care who I was unfaithful with.

Does that make a difference? Not in the narrow world that I married into when I was 20. But the world, at least my world was different then.

I want to make this very clear: I made a promise and I didn't keep it. Bad on me!

I think that is pretty important. I believe that if I make a promise I should keep it. I didn't! I felt very bad about that. Not bad enough to not do it again, just bad. As I have said before it came and went in waves. I would cheat, feel bad about myself, behave for some period and then repeat the process.

I am reminded that if you keep on repeating something and expecting the outcome to be different - that is the definition of insanity. So I guess I was insane.

It wasn't that I was trying to hurt or even cheat my wife. I was trying to find myself.

What was this passion, this desire? What was this feeling that I had that could get in the way of all the plans and hopes that I had for my life?

I loved men! They were hot! They had wonderful bodies and I wanted to see them naked. They were hung! I wanted to see their cocks! I wanted to see their balls! I wanted to see their asses! This was primal. This desire was at the very core of my being! All the civilized promises that I made could not damp the heat that burned in my loins. I wanted to be with men that wanted me.

This is not an attempt to excuse myself. If I had been a better person I would have understood what was going on in me and gotten a divorce and then moved on. But I wasn't a better person. I was weak and afraid and I denied what I was feeling. I will note, to my credit, I was trying to somehow make it all go away - or at least be manageable. I could not deal with the guilt. I could not deal with the lie.

After I came out my ex's sister emailed me. She wanted to know why I had cheated on my wife. One of the things I wrote back was that "it is better that I am honest about who I am than to live a lie." I don't think she or my ex got that.

That brings me back to where my partner and I are at: when we play with other men we are honest about it. We came into this relationship knowing that we both wanted men. Lots of men. We just happened to fall head over heals in love with one another.

To start a relationship like both had been in before would have only set us up for failure.

Bottom line is this: a relationship does not have to be built on the traditions that we are all use to. We decided that we could be partners, even married husbands, and still create our own rules.

Don't get me wrong, we don't have many rules: be safe and be honest. That's pretty much it.

Love takes care of the rest.

Sunday, January 17, 2010

Bisexual?

As I have mentioned, I went through a phase where I thought maybe I was bisexual. I guess technically I was. I was, afterall, having sex with a woman on a "somewhat" regular basis and at the same time wanting to be (and occasionly actualy being) with men. Yes I cheated! I think I will devote a whole different blog to cheating but for now I want to focus on what I was thinking, when I was thinking, that I was bi-sexual.

I did a lot of on-line reaserach during my "bi-curious" phase. Did you know that Alexander the Great, the Macedonian king, is thought to have been bisexual, and to have had a male lover named Hephaestion.

And did you know, also according to Wikeopedian, that Spartans thought that love and erotic relationships between experienced and novice soldiers would solidify combat loyalty and encourage heroic tactics as men vied to impress their lovers? Now they were suppose to leave such things behind and go get married and have kids, but it sounds pretty "bisexual" to me.

Wikeopedia lists more than 150 "famous" people that are or were "bisexual" Amoung them Marlan Brando, Samy Davis Jr, Richard Burton, David Bowe, and Andy Dick (Please!). Thank you Wikeopdea.

It wasn't that easy when I first was searching on the internet. But I found a few refrences that I clung to. I mean, hell if Alexander the great could be bisexual I could be! Right? But I wasn't.

Oh I got it up with my wife. And most of the time it felt good. But now I know it wasn't even close.

Thats what I discovered about me - I love men.

If you are bisexual - more power to you - I just know that I was kidding myself - I love men! I love the sight, smell and touch of a sexy man. I am Gay!

Saturday, January 16, 2010

Gay Marriage

This is not about the fight for legal gay marriage. I may comment on that at a later time. This is about falling in love and telling someone "I want to be a part of you and you a part of me."

As I have mentioned, when I came out I just wanted to play. So many men so little time!

Then I met Mark. We are soul mates. I never knew what true love was till I met him.

Don't get me wrong, I loved the woman that I married when I was 20. But! I was young and didn't understand me.

It is funny that it can take so long to get to know yourself. There you are spending 24 hours a day with yourself and you don't know yourself. Why is that?

Anyway, when I met Mark I fell head over heals in love. Soul mates! Damn yes! I have no doubt that we have been together in previous lives. No - really! I know that sounds drippy and overly romantic - but that is the way we feel - deeply and madly in love - so we wanted to get married.

It wasn't about getting married legally - no need for that and Texas doesn't allow it. No point in getting "legally" married in a state that allows it because Texas doesn't recognize it (there is seriously something wrong with that in the United States of America - thanks to to the Defense of Marriage Act - DUMP IT!)

Getting married was about how we felt about one another and what we wanted our friends and family to know about that. So we got married at the Cathedral of Hope.

Gay and straight friends attended - most of a hundred people - we stood up there and pledged our love to each other before God and our family and friends. I can not think of a better way to say "I love you" to the man that I love.

You can just live with someone or you can live with someone and make it a very public commitment - which is better? You be the judge, but I know that having my family and friends know that Mark is my husband is exactly what I want - and it is wonderful.

Gay Church

I was raised Presbyterian and then married into the Southern Baptist Church.

Talk about a guilt trip!

In truth when I got married at 20 years old I was trying to get as far away from my gay impulses as possible. Both getting married and being a Southern Baptist was an attempt to cleanse myself of my "evil" impulses. I hoped that if I could just focus on being hetro and focus on being a good Christian then all those impulses would go away. Of course they didn't.

Towards the end - early in my 50's - I tried to talk to my pastor about my struggle with gay feelings. They prayed for me and then never talked to me again. They couldn't deal with it. That didn't help me deal with it.

When I came out I pretty much figured I was going to leave religion behind. Certainly religion had left me behind. When you come out you are ready to leave a lot of things behind - and I was willing to leave religion behind - but to my surprise I didn't have to - others had been down this road before.

When I moved to Dallas I searched for gay support groups - I didn't know how to be gay and I needed help. One of the "groups" I found was Cathedral of Hope. (http://www.cathedralofhope.com ) It is the largest gay church in the world.

I was hesitant to go to Cathedral of Hope because I had really written of that part of my life but I thought I would at least give it a quick look. I was hooked from the first time I went. Hundreds of gay men!

OK that by itself would keep a gay man interested but it was the message from the pulpit that ultimately kept me coming back. Over and over again it is made clear that God love everyone: straight, gay, bi-sexual, transsexual, God loves us all.

I am not going to preach or get evangelical here - I just want to share that I found acceptance in an area of my life that had been important in my life before I was gay.

It gets back to something more basic about coming out. Life isn't as different as I thought it would be.

The reality it that I am still just me - just without the guilt.

That is a very good thing.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Coming Out - The Slow Process

I made the decision to come out when I was in my 50's.

OK that is a lie, the decision was kind of made for me - OK I got caught!

Computers are a wonderful thing but you have to be careful. Hello - passwords work really well if you set them up.

Maybe I wanted to get caught. Maybe I didn't have the courage to pull the plug on my old life.

I may not have realized it but I had started my new life.

The internet opened the door of my closet. It wasn't all porn either - actually not much porn. My fascination was chatting with other closeted men on Gay.com. I know that doesn't sound very sexy but I was trying to figure myself out by talking to others that were in the same process. I guess that is the purpose of this blog.

Up to the point where I found other Late Breaking Gays on Gay.com I had felt very isolated. Duh - like I was alone in a closet!

I wasn't even sure I was gay. I kept on thinking: Maybe I was just curious, or bi-curious, or going through a phase.

After all, the insatiable urge for men seemed to come and go in waves. I would indulge myself and then I would be fine for a week or so. Of course that period of "fine" got shorter and shorter over time.

So it couldn't be that I was "GAY". I had to just be "Curious".

But I kept on coming back to one thing: When I would meet a married couple, at church or new neighbors or heaven forbid at the beach on vacation, I would be able to recall every detail about the man and nothing about the woman. Oh and if the man was cute - WOW! I remembered everything about the man. The color of his hair, the way he had it parted, the line of his jaw and OMG the package that he sported. It was like a photograph in my mind. But I couldn't tell you anything about the woman.

It was having that experience over and over again that confirmed for me that I was gay. It was a confirmation that came out the sanest moments of life not just when I was in a horny froth.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

The "Gay Lifestyle"

One of the things that was most intimidating about coming out was the "Gay Lifestyle." If I came out was I going to have to wear tight jeans and open silk shirts. I am in my 50's! That is most likely not going to be a good idea! And if I didn't - if I still dressed like a middle age straight guy, how would other "gays" know that I was one of them?

Well, as I learned, most of the time being gay isn't much different than being straight. I mean really - say you have sex every night for two hours (no I don't - maybe an average of an hour a day). That is what less than 10% of your day. OK lets not count sleeping - it is still less than 20%. And that is pretty much behind closed doors.

We live in a nice sleepy suburb of Dallas in a wonderful "Ozzie and Harriet" circa 1960's house on a corner lot with big trees. Our neighbors know we are gay and they are nice to us. We mow the yard and rake the leaves and we don't wear short shorts when we do it. Not to much different than being straight.

We go to the Tom Thumb every Saturday and the clerks know us and have figured out that we are partners and they ask about the other if one of us isn't there. Not too much different than being straight.

We go to church every Sunday morning and sing in the choir (more about that in another post). We go to the mall, we take our pets to the vet, we go to the movie - it is all so normal - no problem with gay life style!

Now - I know that there are problems out there - serious problems - and we have been lucky. What I am saying is that I was afraid that I would have to get all flamboyant to be "a gay" and that is not the case at all. I am very "Gay" when appropriate - very closted at work (more about that in another post) - but it is all me - most of the time I am not trying to hide anything -

Life is good :)

Monday, January 11, 2010

Step Children (and Grand Children)

Step Children and Grand Children - Yes – it goes with the territory.

I went from being a father of 2 to having 5 kids between us – it’s the Brady Bunch with 2 dads.

Of course for us it is pretty easy – only one of our kids lives with us – he just finished college and moved back in. He is a really good "kid" and we get along very well.

But I have friends that have teenage kids at home. I have to admire them – they still have to parent and that is two dads plus the ex-wives doing the parenting - wow what a mess.

For me it is so much about me. Or at least about me and my husband. My friends have to be good dads all the time – For me I pretty much just have to be a good Dad on a long distance phone call on Sunday afternoons.

By the way - when you start out as a breeder the kids turn into adults and they become breeders - and "poof" you are a grandparent. It doesn't exactly fit in with my self image of a "hot middle age stud" but oh well - getoverit! It would seem to be harder on my husband, his kids haven't had any kids yet so he is only a step grandparent - but he melts around my grandkids - it is so cute.

Of course then there is the whole acceptance thing. What happened with us is that when we came out to the kids they said “duh”! OK so much for hiding anything. And then you introduce the BOY FRIEND – and lo and behold the kids accept him. Why – because they have never seen Dad happier.

Saturday, January 9, 2010

Partnering and Open Relationships

A life partner?

A husband?

NO WAY!!!!

I was married for over 30 years - to one woman - not going there again - as I said before - so many men, so much sex and so little time.

OK - so I didn't stick to that - I fell in love - what can I say. We both came into our relationship kicking and screaming - and that was besides when we were having sex.

Yes he is a Late Breaking Gay (LBG) and we both just wanted to meet and have sex with as many men as possible.

But then we found that we were soul mates. All of that I feel like we were lovers in a previous life (more about that in later posts) and more besides. We had to be together.

So we came up with the only possible solution - have it both ways!

We live as husband and husband (actually his youngest (22) is now living with us), but we have an open relationship. Our rules are pretty simple, if we are both in town we share playmates and if one of us out of town play safe (always) and share details. It is that simple and seems to be working really really well.