The Other Side

One of my favorite artists is David Gray.  Actually my husband introduced me to his music and it really touches me.

One of David Gray's songs that I love so much is "The Other Side".  There is a certain mysticism about it (as there is with many of his songs) - I feel like there is this promise of meeting your loved one again after this life.  I believe in that very much.  In fact I am very certain this is not the first life I have shared with my husband.

I do have one problem with his lyrics - I do know what love is - I have it - now.

I would like to have this sung for my husband at my funeral.

Meet me on the other side, meet me on the other side
I'll see you on the other side, see you on the other side

Honey now if I'm honest, I still don't know what love is
Another mirage folds into the haze of time recalled
And now the floodgates cannot hold
All my sorrow all my rage
A tear that falls on every page

Meet me on the other side, meet me on the other side
Maybe I oughta mention, was never my intention
To harm you or your kin, are you so scared to look within
The ghosts are crawling on our skin
We may race and we may run
We'll not undo what has been done
Or change the moment when it's gone
Meet me on the other side, meet me on the other side
I'll see you on the other side, see you on the other side
I know it would be outrageous
To come on all courageous
And offer you my hand
To pull you up on to dry land
When all I got is sinking sand
That trick ain't worth the time it buys
I'm sick of hearing my own lies
And love's a raven when it flies

Meet me on the other side, meet me on the other side
I'll see you on the other side, see you on the other side
Honey now if I'm honest, I still don't know what love is

Bridge Over Troubled Water

As a "Late Breaking Gay", when I was considering coming out and even after I came out  I was afraid I would never find love again.  Indeed I was afraid that I would never be able to give love or be loved.

I felt too mortal: closer to the end than to the beginning of my life. I felt like I had wasted my life and there was no more life to be had and no more life to give.

But I was wrong. I have found the love of my life and have never been happier than I am with my husband.

When I was a teenager Simon and Garfunkel's Bridge Over Troubled Water was a huge hit.  It is a classic that many people respond to even today. "Bridge Over Troubled Water" is the promise of being there.  My husband has truly been my "Bridge Over Troubled Water" and it has been wonderful.

I know that I can't promise to be there forever, but my spirit will always be there for the man that I love. 

I love you my husband - more than words can tell. 

When you're weary, feelin' small
When tears are in your eyes, I will dry them all
I'm on your side, oh, when times get rough, and friends just can't be found

Like a bridge over troubled water, I will lay me down
Like a bridge over troubled water, I will lay me down

When you're down and out, when you're on the street
When evening falls so hard, I will comfort you
I'll take your part, oh when darkness comes, and pain is all around

Like a bridge over troubled water, I will ease your mind
Like a bridge over troubled water, I will ease your mind

Sail on silver girl, sail on by
Your time has come to shine, and all your dreams will run their way
See how they shine, oh, if you need a friend, I'm sailing right behind

Like a bridge over troubled water, I will ease your mind
Like a bridge over troubled water, I will ease your mind

Extraordinary Ordinary

Tonight is the night before Christmas Eve and we sat in the den and read books and listened to Christmas music.

What strikes me as so extraordinary is that my gay life is so ordinary.

When I was in the closet I thought that life would be so different if I came out and that terrified me.

But here I am living in a four bedroom house on a corner lot in Ozzie and Harriet land and it is so ordinary.  I take the trash out, wash the dishes, and bitch about all the crap in the garage just like I did when I was married to a woman.  The difference is that now I am married to a man. 

A man that I love more than I have ever thought I could love anyone.

It is extraordinary that ordinary is so wonderful!

(OK so the sex is phenomenal but the rest is extraordinarily ordinary.)

Merry Christmas to all

Almost Christmas

It is three days before Christmas. 

For the last few years past Chirstmas has been hard for me.  I have mised my kids and grandkids and have felt guilty about being so far away from them.  Plus Christmas brings back so many memories of Christmas' past. 

But tonight our house is snug and warm and the presents are wraped and the decorations are out and it feels very good. 

I think it is a matter of building new traditions.  As I write this my husband is in the kitchen starting dinner and Christmas music is playing in the background.  It is a wonderful mixture of the parts of old traditions that I loved and building new ones with the man that I love.

Life is good!

Merry Christmas everyone.

Getting Ready

Getting ready is just part of daily routine.

Getting ready in the morning or getting ready to go out in the evening. It is just routine activities: shaving, showering, combing hair, brushing teeth. Just ordinary stuff. Routine things until you are in the presence of another man. I don't mean like in the locker room at the gym (though that is special in another way.) I mean just one-on-one with the man that you love, the man you sleep with.

When we get ready to go out I love being in the bathroom with HIM, jostling for position with HIM at the counter, (I love seeing HIM naked beside me and watching HIM in the mirror) It is all so ordinary: checking to see if I should leave the shower on for HIM. In those few minutes there is a unique intimacy. There is something special about HIS steam coming out of the shower and the way HE shaves (he is either naked or pulls HIS pajama bottoms way down on HIS hips.) Sometimes there is the scent of HIS cologne or the moments when HE stands so close that I can feel the heat from HIS handsome body.

If we are going out in the evening we often stand in the closet and talk about what we will wear. Again it is a small thing but it is amazing to be so intimate as to pick out each others clothing (yes even sometimes underwear.)

Sometimes he is getting ready without me and I am at my desk and I will look over and see him naked, framed by the door to the bathroom. It is an image that should be in a painting.

As a late breaking gay (LBG) I have to say that all that time in the closet I never dreamt that I would have the joy of being with a man in such a loving and caring and sexy relationship that just brushing teeth together is pretty damn hot.

Your Life is Now

I offer the lyrics of John Mellencamp's song "Your Life is Now" - it makes so much sence for us LBGs (Late Breaking Gays)

See the moon roll across the stars
See the seasons turn like a heart
Your father's days are lost to you
This is your time here to do what you will do

Your life is now your life is now your life is now
In this undiscovered moment
Lift your head up above the crowd
We could shake this world
If you would only show us how
Your life is now

Would you teach your children to tell the truth
Would you take the high road if you could choose
Do you believe you're a victim of a great compromise
'Cause I believe you could change your mind and change our lives

Would you teach your children to tell the truth
This is your time here to do what you will

Oh yea!!!!

Temperamentals

When I first came out, as a LBG "Late Breaking Gay" I was scared. I had only the most negative sense of what it meant to be gay. But as I "mature" in my gayness I discover that there is a wonderful community and even a rich history.

Last night I tapped into that history and community. Our church, the Cathedral of Hope, sponsored a fundraiser at a local production of "The Temperamentals". I loved it!

I am amazed by the bravery of the men that were depicted by this wonderful and funny play. It is set in the 1950's when America was hunting down communists and gays. In that day “temperamental” was code for “homosexual”, part of a created language of secret words that gay men used to communicate. The play tells the story of two men – the communist Harry Hay and the Viennese refugee and designer Rudi Gernreich – as they fall in love while building the first gay rights organization in the pre-Stonewall United States.

The play helped me find part of the history of the new life that I have adopted. Being gay isn't just my experience it is the lives and struggles of generations of gays before me. I am the lucky one. I stand on their shoulders and the view is great up here.

Brother Bullying

With all of the emphasis on bullying that is out there lately I want to share my own story. I was not bullied by random kids at school; I was bullied by my brother. Yep - my loving big brother. I was picked on and physically abused. It has been more than forty years and it still hurts.

Here is the point I want to make – you can be bullied by the people that should be the closest to you. I don’t imagine that many young people will read this so I address those who are “Late Breaking Gays”.

Fellow LBGs – you may have been bullied by your peers when you where young, you may have been bullied by family, it is ok – it wasn’t about you – it was about them. You don’t have to forgive as much as you need to let go of the pain. It does get better – oh yes – so much better.

So basicly: FUCK EM!

Welcome to life out of the closet.

Ain’t it great?

DADT

Don't Ask Don't tell is history. What I am so fasinated by is the number of men and women in the military that are coming out. This is amazing! What it tells me is that 1) there are many many more that haven't come out 2) there have been thousands over the years that haven't come out.

I am pleased! But what has this done to those thousands over the years who have bravely served our country but have been forced into the closet and have had to stay there? I hope that the repeal of DODT gives them one more reason to come out.

Then and Now

What was then
was then

Full of life
and love and pain

What is now
is now

Full of all the same

Love Broke In

I was blind
Should not see
So I thought
Was so lost

I was blind
Would not see
Fought like hell
Lost my way

I was blind
Could not see
Reached in faith
Sought Life out

I was blind
Touched my eyes
Love broke in
Saw God’s face

I was numb
Should not feel
For what if
It was real

I was numb
Would not feel
Each touch alive
Afraid to live

I was numb
Could not feel
Reach in faith
Felt His hand

I was numb
Touch my soul
Love broke in
It was real



I was deaf
Should not hear
Blocked it out
Though was clear

I was deaf
Would not hear
Felt the words
Made me queer

I was deaf
Could not hear
Sought the word
Could not bear

I was deaf
Touched my ears
Love broke in
Spoke my name