11 Day & We are Back

I want you to know that it is getting better.

Eleven days after the surgery we had sex again. It wasn't porn star sex. It wasn't our best sex by any measure but we are getting there.

It wasn't just a blow job, though it did start with some great sixty nineing. But somewhere in the middle my partner rode my cock and we both had multiple orgasms. Man-on-man did I need that.

This description isn't sexy or hot - actually it is harder to sit at the computer than to do most anything. And I'm not trying to write porn so forgive if this is kind of clinical. I just want you to know that with enough love and commitment you can have sex in the face of a lot of adversity. We were creative and caring and tender because we love each other enough to be creative and caring and tender.

It wasn't just about me overcoming a hurting knee. While I certainly had to do that, it was my lover who had to overcome a lot of things. He is the one who has to take care of me while still doing everything else that we normally do together. He has to shop and clean and cook and clean and all of the rest of those domestic chores we normally share. He also had to overcome the fear of hurting me. He also had to overcome me being a whole lot less sexy (unless you like 9 inch scares with stitches.)

It was more than sex. It was being very much in love and being there for one another when things are tough - really tough. I will never be able to find the words to express my appreciation and love for my partner.

If this is tiny sample of what it is like to get old with him then I have no fears.

Fairy Tales

When I was a kid I loved to go the the museums and libraries in Chicago. That was when a kid could take the bus or get dropped of by a parent at the entrance and no one had to worry. I would spend hours taking in the exhibits of stuffed animals at the Field Museum or watch the stars projected on the dome at the Planetarium. But by far my favorite exhibit was (wait for it) the Fairy Castle at the Museum of Science and Industry (I know, big surprise.)

Now if you didn't know that there was a Fairy Castle at the Museum of Science and Industry in Chicago let me enlighten you (stay with me - there is a point to this). This elaborate miniature house was created by silent film star Colleen Moore in the 1930s, and was donated to the Museum of Science and Industry in 1949.

As a kid is was delighted with its tiny treasures—including murals and paintings painted by Walt Disney himself; chandeliers adorned with real diamonds, emeralds and pearls; the tiniest bible ever to be written, dating back to 1840; and ancient statues more than 2,000 years old. Horace Jackson, an architect and set designer who worked for First National Studios, created the floor plan and layout of the castle with the basic idea that "the architecture must have no sense of reality. We must invent a structure that is everybody's conception of an enchanted castle."

Moore also enlisted the help of art director and interior designer Harold Grieve. Grieve had designed the interiors for Moore's actual mansion, so he was a natural to create the interiors of her fantasy castle.

By 1935 more than 700 individuals had lent their expertise—including surgical instrument lighting specialists, Beverly Hills jewelers and Chinese jade craftsmen. The price tag for this 8'7" x 8'2" x 7'7" foot palace, containing more than 2,000 miniatures, was nearly $500,000.

The Fairy Castle is displayed behind glass, and the light, temperature and humidity in its environment are carefully controlled to ensure that the artifacts will be preserved for generations to come.

I am reminded of this wonderful Fairy Tale Castle because of two things that happened today. First I got a text from my somewhat estranged younger son. He still lives in Chicago. It has been over a year since I have seen him or talked to him. Prior to that it had been three years since I had talked to him. We had never gotten along very well during his teen years so it is no shock that he doesn't want to talk to me much now. Despite that I leave him messages most every week and I was delighted to get the brief text message where he said he loved me but he just didn't know what to say to me. I don't think his lack of interest in me has much to do with me coming out. I think he is still angry that I was tough on him as a teenager.

The other thing that happened was a very good friend got a ugly message from one of his children. His daughter blamed him for ruining their family.

This brings me back to my Fairy Castle. As LBG's (Late Breaking Gays), especially when we come out after our kids are grown, it is not unusual for kids to get mad at us because we are messing up their lives. Of course we aren't messing up their lives at all. In fact it is our lives that have been messed up for decades. We have hidden our feelings and our orientation in order to protect them. So now we come out of the closet to claim our lives and in so doing we deprive them of this fairy tale image of their parental unit. We are suppose to be, as my friend put it "Ozzie and Harriet." We are suppose to be their as the eternal parental figure that they have created in their own minds.

It is much like the Fairy Castle at the museum. If we did maintain that perfect parental image it would be "displayed behind glass ... carefully controlled to ensure that the artifacts will be preserved for generations to come.

That may be what some of our kids want but is certainly not healthy for us. You can't live or breath behind that glass. So live your own life, make your own story, even if it is a fairy tale of a different type.

Not for Sissies

My Mama always use to say “Sometimes things don’t work out the way you plan them.”

Boy was that ever an understatement.

OK so this isn’t all that big of a deal but when you do a "somewhat regular" blog like I am trying to do you should be careful what you predict is going to happen.

The last time I blogged I predicted that when my partner got back from his business trip that it was going to be a pretty hot night.

NOT!

My honey came home with a hurt back. He slipped on a paving stone walkway and has been really really sore ever since.

So for the last few days (and nights) we have not only been working around my bad knee we have been working around his bad back. We have had a couple of nights when we just crashed early. There was one night when we were both pretty creative (I found that I could of use both arms and the right leg and still do a fair imitation of a hot top for at least a while.) One night we just jacked off (haven’t done that with anyone in a very very long time).

Getting old is not for sissies. Yes I do mean gays. And I don't call gays sissies very often. And there is a reason for that. After all, in my vernacular sissies give up, sissies go "ewh", sissies say "that's not nice!"

That hasn't been my experience with gays. I have found that gays, and most especially late breaking gays (LBGs) , are strong and committed. They have worked hard to stay in the closet all those years and now have busted down the door and are out there all the way. Not necessarily in a flamboyant way, more likely in a strong, unafraid way. When you have gone through decades of being strong you don’t suddenly change just because you came out.

Granted I have found gays to have some characteristics in abundance that are more generally thought to be feminine or sissy if you will. Like love and compassion and creativity. Gee that doesn’t seem so bad.

If part of being gay is being in touch with your feminine side, (being a sissy) OK. But to assume that being in touch with your feminine side makes you weak is foolish. For example: to assume that gays give up under pressure is just plain stupid. That is why "don't ask don't tell" is crap.

It is also why gay men can be partners for life through some really tough times.

My partner and I care for each other and sacrifice for each other. If that sounds like a sissy, I don't care. I just know that I feel safe with the man that I love. I feel accepted even when I can't be everything I want to be or use to be. I feel loved even when I can't perform in bed.

I know that he will continue to love me. And love will find a way.

Clichés I know. But so is calling a gay man a sissy. My lover and I are anything but. We are both HOT HOT HOT men!

Badge of Honor

It has been a good day.

My knee hasn’t hurt much at all today. I suspect that is because the last couple of nights we haven’t had sex.

Now for those of you who have read my blog in some detail you know that a dry spell of more than a few days is pretty unusual.

This isn’t about not having sex because of my knee.

I am totally willing to have a bad day as a small price for a great night in bed. Who wouldn’t?

We didn’t lay off of the sex because of the knee. It just happened. We had great sex over the weekend and then my partner was out of town and so I am a little more rested.

So tomorrow I limp!

Actually that limp will be a badge of honor.

The Physical

No – we weren’t playing Doctor. But now that I am thinking about it…

Where was I? Oh yes my annual physical.

I asked my partner/husband to go with me to my physical. I am calling it an “annual physical” only so you will know what kind of a doctor visit I am talking about. It isn’t like I get a physical annually. More like once a decade. I should get them more often but, what can I say, I am a guy. A gay guy, but none-the-less a guy.

Of course the real reason for the physical is the upcoming surgery. When something serious like this is happening in a person’s life you are reminded how wonderful it is to have the love and support of a partner. I’m not saying that just because he is going to read this (hi Honey). I believe, and much research has shown, that having a committed life partner keeps us happier and healthier for longer. It literally adds years to our life.

I was really struck by this the other night when watching “A Single Man”. The main character was so alone. He had been in a wonderful relationship, but his partner had died in a car accident. Now he was all alone. It was very, very sad. It may be trite and simplistic but I do believe that “everybody needs somebody.”

‘sides, going to the doctor’s office can be difficult if not traumatic and it helps to have someone along to be a second set of ears. That and my partner is going to have to put up with me being out of commission so he deserves to know all about it. So we went to the doctor together. My husband got to see the doctor check for hernias and check my prostrate. Very clinical. Most certainly not sexy.

However, and this is an aside that I may pursue in more detail in a later blog, my doctor and all of his staff are openly gay. I highly recommend that you find a gay doctor. As a LBG (Late Breaking Gay) you are almost certainly going to have some questions for your Doctor and believe me it will be easier if the doctor is gay. But I digress. Just believe me you will like having a gay Doctor.

So, back to my point, I want my partner and I to share it all, the good and the bad, the “better and worse, sickness and in health.” If that is a cliché and borrowed from heterosexual relationships then it is a good cliché and for good reasons.

Everybody needs somebody. I am glad I got mine.

The Sex Isn't Going to be the Same for a While

I have a bad knee.

Actually I have had a bad for forty years. I have had three surgeries on that knee.

It has been OK for years but I have been living on borrowed time. Time is up and now we have to get serious. So in two weeks I get a new knee.

I am really very excited about it but there is going to be a period of adjustment. OK a really long period of adjustment. Six weeks off of work and - well, the point of this posting - I don't know how long it will affect our sex.

So far - despite significant pain and a noticeable limp - the sex hasn't changed much. The reason for that is that I have the most wonderful and considerate lover in the world. Really!

But here is what I want to do: For the next couple of months (or more as needed) I will try to post every day to let you know how the surgery and the sex are going.

Here is why I want to do this: we are all getting older. LBGs (late breaking gays) are more likely to notice this change in our bodies because, damn it, once we have come out we wish we had come out way earlier. As we get older we are going to have this kind of stuff happen. We are going to have physical challenges that affect our sexual experiences.

So, as a public service, I want to share my experience with you. I want you to know the problems and the successes.

I think my partner and I are pretty adaptable. But it isn't just my partner and I. LBGs (late breaking gays)are by there very nature very adaptable. We waited but we finally came out of the closet. The very fact that we are LBG's means we are adaptable.

The surgery is scheduled for Oct 19th. I will let you know how it is going (we are already having to be creative in bed) but there may be some days when I am a little out of it right after the surgery. In the long run I think it is going to be wonderful.

In the short run it is going to suck (see, we are adapting already).

Don't Let the Bullies Win

Why did I stay in the closet for so long? There are lots of reasons. I learned very early that it was safer in the closet than out of the closet. How could I have known this? After all I didn’t come out of the closet until I was in my fifty’s. I learned the safety of the closet by seeing the cruel way my peers treated anyone that they could get away with calling a “fag.”

In fact, in high school, I experienced some of that harassment myself. If I wore clothing that was too trendy (a pair of black and white plaid wool bell-bottom pants comes to mind) I got called a fag. I could take you right to the place in the south hall where it was said. I never wore those pants again. I wasn’t being singled out; every underclassman was harassed like this. It might have been just a universal tease but because I was struggling with my sexuality it was particularly threatening.

I also “took it on the chin” many times. “Chining” as it was called was a brief contact between the chin-er and the chin-e. The Chin-er would cup his hand as though he were stroking his cock and then briefly press the circled thumb and index finger against the chin of the chin-e (victim.) It was done very quickly and no physical harm was done but it was intended to be degrading and humiliating. There was definitely an element of aggression unspoken threat of violence. “Chining” was something that was done all the time to everyone but somehow it bothered me a great deal. I was afraid that the person who was doing it had somehow found me out and that there disdain for “fags” would turn into violent behavior toward me.

But that was then, more than forty years ago. Things are better now. Right? Well in many ways they are certainly better for me. But I am not a teenager. But kids that are struggling to be liked, fit in, be accepted are still just as fragile as I was back in High School. That struggle makes us do illogical things. For me it was to date and then marry a woman. How stupid. I liked men. That didn’t make any sense at all.

But some kids have far greater struggles than I did and do far worse things in response to those struggles. Last week, Rutgers University freshman Tyler Clementi killed himself by jumping off a bridge after his roommate secretly recorded a video of him having sex with another male student in the privacy of his dorm room. The roommate then broadcast the video online.

While this is certainly a very severe incident it is not isolated. Tyler's death was the result of rampant of anti-gay harassment. He was just one of many victims that we know of. There have been a number of recent suicides among teenagers who were ruthlessly "bullied to death."

A recent letter from Joe Solmonese of the HRC explains that “Tyler wasn't the only one. After months of relentless bullying, 13-year-old Seth Walsh hung himself from a tree outside his California home this week. Billy Lucas of Indiana was 15 years old when he hung himself after being called a "fag" over and over again. Asher Brown's classmates teased him without mercy and acted out mock gay sex acts in class, and last Thursday he shot himself in the head. He was only 13.”

Ellen DeGeneres points out that the loss of just one life is a tragedy – but this is an epidemic. We need to do something.

To that end the HRC has developed an innovative program called Welcoming Schools, that gives elementary school teachers, parents and students the country the tools to help stop the name-calling, bullying and gender stereotyping that so many students face every day. It helps kids learn respect and tolerance early on, to prevent violence later in middle and high school

We need to speak out. It is unfortunate that many who are most aware of the damage that this kind of bullying can do are the least likely to speak out because they are in the closet and afraid that somehow speaking to this subject will out them. I urge you to speak out.

The HRC suggests you contact Secretary of Education Arne Duncan. By going to federal website for the Department of education you can contact Arne Duncan (you can even do this anonymously). Ask him to improve our nation’s anti-bullying program. Speak out immediately – and to push every school anti-bullying program in the nation to include sexual orientation and gender identity like HRC's Welcoming Schools program. You can do something – we all need to do something.

Here are some of the things you can do
1. Contact Arne Duncan
2. Write a letter to the editor of your local paper.
3. Let educators and administrators in your local school district know about www.welcomingschools.org and explain why you want to see Welcoming Schools in elementary schools near you.
4. Cut and paste the address of this blog or some the contents of this blog to friends.

The more we spread the word, the better our chances of preventing another tragedy and the better we will sleep.

Don’t let the bullies win.