Saturday, March 20, 2010

Family of Choice

Family shit happens. I think this is particularly so for a LBG (Late Breaking Gay). We all knew that the shit was going to hit the fan when we came out of the closet. Someone or several someones in your family will get upset. Someone is going to be unhappy or hurt or critical or try to fix you or at the very least, someone is not going to understand.

People's reaction after you come out isn’t forever and I am not suggesting that you need to abandon any hopes of having family after you came out but sometimes people just don’t deal well with a married man coming out.

For a teenager who is coming out this can be a terrifying time and is often dealt with very badly by one or more of their parents. Of course LBG’s (late breaking gays) are grownups and hopefully can better deal with that kind of rejection. Besides, we normally have a long time to worry about how everyone is going to react. We may even find that most folks reaction isn’t as bad as we thought it was going to be. But some will react badly.

Just as an example and the event that precipitated this particular blog: my brother called me last night. It was the first time I had talked to him in twenty years. I don’t know why he didn’t talk to me all that time and I don’t know why he called this time. I have tried to contact him before and then I gave up.

We weren’t close when we were little. He was two years older than me and bigger than me and he liked to beat up on me. But when we grew up and got married and had kids our families would get together and we got along fairly well. But then I moved my family to Minnesota and he moved his family to Texas and then he was divorced and then he just dropped off of the face of the earth. He didn’t stay in touch with his kids or anyone else in the family.

Now I have always speculated that he and I were both molested when we were kids and he just reacted differently than I did. I may never know. But I am sharing all of this because we need family and sometimes as gays, especially LBGs (Late Breaking Gays) we may need to turn to “family of choice.”

I think this is imperative for a LBG (Late Breaking Gays). We need family, oh we may be burned out and maybe we just need some alone time. Maybe we need time with that new special someone but we also need family.

Families love unconditionally. Family accepts us warts and all. Family is there when we need help.

So it may be that your new “family of choice” is friends from the neighborhood or church friends or your partner or a mixture, but you need them.

Take the time to find your familty of choice and cultivate them and make them real family.

You deserve it buddy.

Sunday, March 14, 2010

Legal Considerations for Late Breaking Gays

Yes, as a LBG (late breaking gay) there are a few things that you need to talk to a lawyer about. This will cost you a little but you need to get this stuff done.

And here is why:

1) You need to cut the x-wife out of the will if you die,

2) you need to not be a burden on your kids if you get sick and can't speak for yourself, and

3) you need to make that relationship with your new partner as legal as the current law will allow.

Now number 3 may have to wait till you do have a partner but number 1 and 2 can't wait. Just do it.

Remember that no matter how committed you and your partner are, the law considers you perfect strangers. At risk of sounding like your Mother "you could get hit by a truck." Without this paperwork that person that you love so much is going to go through an even worse nightmare if you do get hit by that proverbial truck.

He will not be able to speak for you or handle your finances or even make a single decision about your care or even your burial. All of that stuff was automatic when you were married. None of those rights exist when it is two men or two women in a relationship.

So, put it all down in writting and you get a lot of those rights back. Here is nutshell are the things that you need to get done.

1) New Will - pretty straight forward, you take what you have after you gave up everything in the divorce and you leave it to your kids and/or partner.

2) Durable Power of Attorney - this gives someone (your partner or if you aren't there yet I suggest the one kid that is still talking to you) the ability to speak on your behalf regarding just about anything other than medical issues when you can't because of illness. This enables your designee to pay your bills, taxes etc. You give them specific directions on broad guidelines but they have to follow them. You may be more in charge than you ever where before in your life.

3) Medical Power of Attorney - yes this tells that special someone that he or she has the power to pull the plug. Nothing says I love you like a Medical Power of Attorney.

4) Advance Directive - this spells out what the designee under the Medical Power of Attorney should do and when. It keeps you in charge to the end and keeps the end from being strung out.

5)Declaration of Guardian - allows you to determine in advance who will be your legal guardian if you should ever need one.

6) HIPAA Release - the federal law known as HIPAA keeps your medical information private. You need this release to allow any medical practitioner to discuss your medical condition with your partner.

7) Appointment of Agent to Control Disposition of Remains - yep - just like it sounds.

Don't try to do this on line. I know there are ads for this right here on this page but you need to get a good gay lawyer, not a straight lawyer, and discuss what you want.

When the attorney has the paper work done invite some friends over for dinner to be the legal witnesses. Break out the good china and a good bottle of wine and make it a ceremoney. After all you are gay.

Afterwards you need copies for you, your partner, for your attorney. Next scan everything as a pdf and put it on a thumb drive and put it on your key chain.

But just do it! Now!

Urgent Care

Last night I had to take my partner to the doctor. Actually in this case it was an "Urgent Care" facility. One of those "Doc-In-A-Box" facilities. They aren't emergency rooms but they do take patients on a walk in basis and can do x-rays and simple lab tests.

Now taking someone to the doctor is no new experience for me. My wife and I raised two kids. You spend your share of time in a doctors office or emergency room. But this was my first experience as a late breaking gay introducing myself to the medical staff as "his partner."

If it wasn't so important to get him medical attention I would have been more apprehensive about it. Instead adrenaline kicked in and I just took him. Had I thought I would have worried about what they would say or if they would let me be in the exam room with him etc. Instead I just did what needed to be done (which was get him there and be with him) and I found to my delight that the staff treated us just like anyone else.

With this one exception. As the doctor was telling us (and I do mean us) the results of his diagnosis he said that my partner needed to be watched carefully because his condition could worsen and he might need to be taken to the hospital for IV fluid. We were both listening quietly but then after a few moments talking about other aspects of treatment he came back to this point: my partner needed to be monitored closely for the next 24 hours.

I responded that I would watch him very carefully. The Doctor smiled at me and said "I was hoping you would say that." He wasn't being judgemental of our relationship. He didn't doubt my commitment to my partner. He just didn't know. For the Doctor, as a heterosexual man, there was a question in his mind regarding what it meant for us to be partners. As a doctor he wanted to make sure that his patient was properly cared for.

It all went well. My partner is recovering nicely and my faith in straight people has been strengthened. However, this side note, the doctor needs to reconsider what size scrub medical pants he wears. One or two sizes larger would make his package a little less obvious. I mean OMG buddy, I am impressed, but not right now.

Friday, March 12, 2010


How good is your “gaydar”?

I know that mine isn’t as good as some others. I think that may be because, as a late breaking gay I kind of suppressed it most of my life. Maybe it was more like denying it and maybe I just was never good at it. Since I came out though I have learned that gaydar might have to do with location. Lets look at some examples

Try to imagine you’re in these situations and let’s measure your Gaydar.

1.You meet a perfect stranger in a men’s clothing store. There is a glance and a smile across the sale rack. Is he gay or just being friendly?

The analysis:

a. Is he checking you out? (Are his eyes sweeping from head to toe and back again and is there a pause at your package?

b. Is there a little smile of appreciation as he does this?

c. Is he “adjusting his package” as he does this?

So how many of these did you pick up on?

3 correct: you have excellent gaydar

2 correct: you jacked off in the shower this morning

1 correct: you need a Seeing Eye dog


2. You meet a perfect stranger in a gay bar and there is a glance and a smile at the bar. Is he flirting or just begging to be taken home?

The analysis:

a. Did he check you out from across the room?

b. Is he staring into your eyes?

c. Is he adjusting your package as he does this?

So how many of these did you pick up on?

3 correct: you have gaydar

2 correct: you are drunk

1 correct: you are blind drunk


3. You meet a perfect stranger in a bath house steam room. There is a glance and a smile through the steam. Is he flirting or just begging to be sucked?

The analysis:

a. Is he waiving his dick in your face?

b. Does he have your dick in his hand?

c. Is sucking on your nuts?

So how many of these did you pick up on?

3 correct: OMG

2 correct: could care less

1 correct: don’t need gaydar

SOOOOO - I guess you could say that gaydar is situational. I guess my gaydar will get better if I just spend more time in the right places.

Sunday, March 7, 2010

Perfect Lovers

What would your perfect lover be like? How would you know your perfect lover if you met him on the street? What would he look like? Sound like? Smell like? Taste like? Feel like?

Of course you wouldn’t know him if you haven’t met him yet. But once you know him you would recognize him anywhere. You would recognize him from the curve of his ass as he walks down the street or the sound of his laughter in a crowded room.

Your perfect lover starts out as a perfect stranger. The road between stranger and lover can be short or long, simple or complex. But it is a road of discovery. You discover things about your lover but perhaps most importantly you discover things about yourself. It is that discovering that is the process of not just finding your perfect lover but really becoming his perfect lover.

Finding your perfect lover is really becoming the perfect lover. It is finding in yourself, and in your lover, those places that fit together perfectly. When you find those places you celebrate them and you cultivate them.

My lover calls it “complementary skills.” You and your lover discover those skills in each other and you use them and draw on them to please each other. You and your lover grow closer and closer until your lives and your love are really one. You discover where he loves to be touched and you learn to love to touch him there. You do this because it brings him joy. All the while your lover is doing the same for you.

That is how you find your perfect lover: you become a perfect lover yourself.

Of course we are never perfect. Thankfully, love pushes us to strive for perfection.

Saturday, March 6, 2010

LBG: The Origin of the Phrase

I don't want you to think that I invented the term "Late Breaking Gays".
It was apperently first coined by Mark Penn, co-author of "Microtrends: The Small Forces Behind Tomorrow's Big Changes."
Mr. Penn is a pollster and is best known for pegging "soccer moms" as a key part of President Bill Clinton's '96 re-election campaign. Penn also served as Hillary Clinton's chief political adviser on her run for president.

His theory is that in today's splintered society there are all these social subsets that, even though each subset makes up about 1 percent of the population (that's about 3 million people), they are potentially powerful.

One of the these subsets that he identifies is Late-breaking gays. Penn says that there are some where around 2.5 million of us LBGs.

So thanks to Mr. Penn for noticing. Now how do we bring all that power to bear?

Try it. You'll like it.

OK this time your mind is in the same gutter as mine. Of course it isn't a gutter at all, its a banquet and we should, within the limits of safety, try it all.

Now personal taste is important, but after all we are gay, so we like some things that the straight world doesn't. Although, let me say this, everyone but lesbians like dick. Straight people and gay men all like dick. Hell even lesbians like a dildo. But there is more than sticking dick into a hole.

Some things are an acquired taste and sometimes quite worth the effort. If you like oysters or artichokes you know what I mean. Someone had to say "Try it. You'll like it."

Now some things you only want to do with a partner you know is safe and will keep you safe, but come on dude, life is a banquet, don't leave hungry. If you are right handed try your left. Try leather. Try a little lace. Try bondage. Try it in the woods. Try shower sex. Try toys. Try rimming. Try it standing up and sitting down. Try it in a sling. Try it all.
You might find something that becomes a favorite and you may find things that really turn you off. But keep experimenting. You want to have a varied diet at the table and in the bedroom. Besides, having a repertoire of things that you and your partner enjoy will do wonders for your relationship both in and out of bed.

So, bottom line, (he he) if you are a top, learn to bottom. At least for your partner. Relax and take it slow, this isn't something you are going to love in one sitting (as it were.) It may take a few toys and self experimentation. In the end, (I can't help myself) it will even help you as a top because now you will know what you partner is feeling when he is bottoming for you.

Trust me - it is awesome.

Different Strokes

No - not kind of stroke! I am talking about how we become LBGs (Late Breaking Gays) and how we express being gay.

Last weekend we went to a wonderful get together out of state. There we met a couple of dozen of gay and bi men from all over the country. I was going to write a terribly detailed (blow by blow) account of the weekend. But in the end I came away with something far more valuable. I was reminded that we all come to this point in our lives via many different paths and that we express our sexuality in diverse ways.

One guy told me that he knew he was gay at birth. He says that when the doctor slapped him on the ass he said "I like that! do it again!" He has been with his current partner for more than 15 years.

Another guy says that he isn't out and has no intention of ever coming out. This is a guy in his 60's. He isn't married and has been very successful in business. He has a active sexual life when he wants it but when he is home he is closeted.

Some of the guys were a little effeminate but most were just average guys. If you met any of them going down the street there would have been little to set off the gaydar.

Despite the stereotypes, just as there is no universal way for gays to dress or talk or walk, there is now universal way to discover you are gay or to express being gay. I have met gay men and bisexual men that don't have sex with other men. They don't need it. Just because they are attracted to men physically doesn't require them to have sex with them. Now that one does puzzle me but I respect it.

I use to subscribe to the Kinsian continuum theory that we all fall somewhere along a line between straight and gay. I have learned that life and sexuality is way to rich and complex to get stereotyped.

I do believe that you need to know yourself and that when you know yourself, you will be happier when you are honest with the rest of the world. But I 'm not sure that means that you should pin yourself down to a particular definition or label of your sexuality.

Good grief if every snowflake is different and no two people in the world have the same list of music on their IPod, then why should our sex lives be any less diverse and rich.