Do you have a degree in sex?
Did you take any classes in sex?
Oh I’m not talking about “sex education” in High School. That was a joke!
What is it about sex? We can take classes in ceramics or German or take educational vacations to immerse ourselves in a foreign culture. But how do you learn sex?
Of course most people learn sex by experimentation. But that doesn’t make sense. Even in a heterosexual relationship, don’t you want to be the perfect lover? How are you going to be even a adequate lover (yuck) if you have never had sex before and have never learned how to have sex?
There is this terrible assumption that sex is so instinctive that you don’t need any instruction. If you can figure out what hole to put it in you are going to be just fine. WHAT BULLSHIT! That means making lots of mistakes in one of the most important and fulfilling parts of our lives. That seems pretty stupid.
Of course you can watch porn or read “Joy of Sex”. Actually you could watch porn on the net 24/7 and never repeat in a year. And then there are tons of books and magazines that deal with sex. Even at the grocery store check out line the magazines (Cosmo and Men's Health come to mind) say right on th cover that they have lists of "secret" tips on how to please your partner.
I suppose that is better than nothing. But when I go to the gym I can get the assistance of a personal coach – hell I can hire one to come out to the house. Why can’t I get a personal coach for sex?
In India they have the Kama Sutra and in some Arab cultures I understand that fathers teach their sons how to jack off. But in our nice puritanical American culture you are left to pick up technique in the locker room.
Does it make sense that you can hire a sex therapist if you have trouble or go to a sex addiction clinic if you are in over your head? (thanks Tiger – I can’t imagine what those sessions are like.) But you can’t get trained before you start having sex! Hell, you have to pass a test to get a driver’s license, why not to have sex – the world would be a better place.
Now let me take this home – if you will – how does a middle age man, just coming out of the closet, figure out gay sex? Once again you could assume that all you have to do is find the right hole. But how do you learn how to give a blow job or how to suck balls or how to eat ass or how to be a top or how to be a bottom? How do you learn those things?
Now don’t get me wrong, lots and lots of experimentation with lots of lovers has its “up” side. But I have one other suggestion, talk to and listen to your lover. Go ahead, talk about the sex. Ask questions. “What felt good?” “What would you like to try?” “What have you done with other guys you would like to try with me?” Watch porn together and ask “Would you like to try that?”
If you have an open relationship like my partner and I have, pay attention to what he enjoys in a 3 way. And I know this one is tough, but listen when he describes the sex he had with someone while he was away on business. It would be easy to be jealous or insecure, but I suggest that if you talk about sex you and your partner have had with others, it will help you find out what really turns you and your partner on.
Open relationships can screw up people who aren’t honest. Or it can bring new levels of passion to a relationship. It can take you and your partner from predictable to “rock star.” Now that is sex school!