Thursday, January 14, 2010

Coming Out - The Slow Process

I made the decision to come out when I was in my 50's.

OK that is a lie, the decision was kind of made for me - OK I got caught!

Computers are a wonderful thing but you have to be careful. Hello - passwords work really well if you set them up.

Maybe I wanted to get caught. Maybe I didn't have the courage to pull the plug on my old life.

I may not have realized it but I had started my new life.

The internet opened the door of my closet. It wasn't all porn either - actually not much porn. My fascination was chatting with other closeted men on I know that doesn't sound very sexy but I was trying to figure myself out by talking to others that were in the same process. I guess that is the purpose of this blog.

Up to the point where I found other Late Breaking Gays on I had felt very isolated. Duh - like I was alone in a closet!

I wasn't even sure I was gay. I kept on thinking: Maybe I was just curious, or bi-curious, or going through a phase.

After all, the insatiable urge for men seemed to come and go in waves. I would indulge myself and then I would be fine for a week or so. Of course that period of "fine" got shorter and shorter over time.

So it couldn't be that I was "GAY". I had to just be "Curious".

But I kept on coming back to one thing: When I would meet a married couple, at church or new neighbors or heaven forbid at the beach on vacation, I would be able to recall every detail about the man and nothing about the woman. Oh and if the man was cute - WOW! I remembered everything about the man. The color of his hair, the way he had it parted, the line of his jaw and OMG the package that he sported. It was like a photograph in my mind. But I couldn't tell you anything about the woman.

It was having that experience over and over again that confirmed for me that I was gay. It was a confirmation that came out the sanest moments of life not just when I was in a horny froth.

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